Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Best. Proclamation. Evah!

Just as a back story, over the past year the state of Georgia has suffered a massive drought. It got so bad that the governor Sonny Purdue called for a Rain Prayer to bring about divine intervention. The drought was a combination of things, between the lack of rain and because the state of Georgia had sold too much water rights to the equally parched state of Florida (doh!). As a result, Georgia started talking about re-opening claims of land and river rights along the border with Tennessee in order to build a massive pipeline to Atlanta, both a massive boondoggle and also a slight affront to the rights and sovereignty of the folks of Tennessee.

The city of Chattanooga, which resides right on the border, was going to be hugely affected by that land grab attempt. So in response, the Mayor of Chattanooga issued a proclamation:


WHEREAS, it has come to pass that the heavens are shut up and a drought of Biblical proportions has been visited upon the Southern United States, and

WHEREAS, the parched and dry conditions have weighed heavily upon the State of Georgia and sorely afflicted those who inhabit the Great City of Atlanta, and

WHEREAS, the leaders of Georgia have assembled like the Children of Israel in the desert, grumbled among themselves and have begun to cast longing eyes toward the north, coveting their neighbor’s assets, and

WHEREAS, the lack of water has led some misguided souls to seek more potent refreshment or for other reasons has resulted in irrational and outrageous actions seeking to move a long established and peaceful boundary, and

WHEREAS, it is deemed better to light a candle than curse the darkness, and better to offer a cool, wet kiss of friendship rather than face a hot and angry legislator gone mad from thirst, and

Whereas, it is feared that if today they come for our river, tomorrow they might come for our Jack Daniels or George Dickel,

NOW THEREFORE, In the interest of brotherly love, peace, friendship, mutual prosperity, citywide self promotion, political grandstanding and all that

I Ron Littlefield, Mayor of the City of Chattanooga, Tennessee,

Do hereby Proclaim that Wednesday, February 27, 2008 shall be known as

“Give Our Georgia Friends a Drink Day”

Mayor Littlefield just earned my vote for the President of the United States. We can't spare the man: he snarks!

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