In the interests of fairness and balance, and in honor of this being the first month that the Democratic candidates for President will publicly face each other in the THUNDERDOME of... of... whadda ya mean, "no weapons"? That's gonna put Hillary at a severe disadvantage...
Anyway, we've had excuses for Americans - and pretty much the whole galaxy - get drunk as they watched Republicans go batsh-t insane on stage trying to out-pander
Also wik, I will update this later to add links to any custom drinks or craft beers that my ally and co-conspirator Pinku-Sensei can put up on his Crazy Eddie Motie's News blog!
Update 10/9: Adding a few more rules here... turnout is picking up by the way, thanks for showing!
Update 10/10: At last. Pinku-Sensei has a drink order in place for Hillary Clinton! Together, we will cause much hangovers across the globe...
Follow-up to the Update: He's got the drink order in for Bernie Sanders now. I think for Martin O'Malley he's gonna go for whatever Omar thinks is best.
That said, some of the rules from the previous drinking games I've set up for the Republicans still apply here, but I'll rehash:
- No shirts
- No shoes
- NO DICE
...okay, serious now. Here are the ground rules about drinking:
1. Respect your liver. Have the decency to pass out before you drink to death.
2. Choose a designated driver to make sure you can get home safe. Also have buckets and towels ready for any vomiting.
3. Get your declaration of love for your friendly toilet bowl done while you're sober. Make sure the crawl path between your chair and that toilet is free of any sharp objects that can cut your kneecaps.
4. Even if you drink only water for this game, be aware that too much water is toxic.
5. Do not be surprised if something insane, insulting, and inconceivable not even covered by this drinking game happens during debate night. Even with this being Democrats - the party that respects the electoral process - there are going to be moments where someone is going to cross a line to make an argument.
So, here now for
- If any candidate has to defend the Obama administration, take a drink.
- If any candidate other than Hillary has to defend the Clinton administration, take a drink.
- If any candidate has to defend the Jimmy Carter administration, shout "that's 40 years now" and take a drink.
- If any candidate has to defend LBJ's Great Society and civil rights efforts, finish off a bottle and throw it at the screen.
- If any candidate has to defend FDR's New Deal, for the LOVE OF F-CKING GOD THAT'S 80 YEARS AGO AND THOSE REFORMS ARE STILL WITH US BECAUSE THEY WORK YOU RANDIAN LIBERTARIAN GOVERNMENT-DESTROYING SONS OF BITCHES.
- If any candidate brings up income inequality as an issue, cheer and take a drink.
- If any candidate brings up education reform that involves actually raising more money to pay for more and better teachers and more modern public schools, cheer and take a drink.
- If you notice this rule-maker is a little biased about certain issues, take a drink.
- If any candidate jokes about what happens in Vegas staying in Vegas, drink whole bottle if you are with the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce and/or Tourism office.
- If any candidate disappears and is later found working a slot machine feeding it coin after coin muttering "I can win this thing, I can win this thing", drink whole bottle.
- If an Elvis Impersonator gets on the stage and provides valid arguments about issues during the debate, drink whole bottle and get that Elvis' agent to see if the guy will run for office.
- If any of the candidates accidentally wind up getting married to each other in some wacky sitcom hijinks, drink whole bottle.
- If Mulder and Scully show up asking what the candidates know about the nearby airbase, drink whole bottle.
- If aliens show up asking the candidates about Mulder and Scully being in a relationship, cheer and drink whole bottle.
- Update: If any candidate jokes about getting elected to the Presidency before House Republicans can even settle on a Speaker, take a drink.
- Reminder I will add updated rules to any sensible suggestions, thank you.
And for the specific candidates, well there's currently only
- If Hillary enters the stage being carried by six of her handlers on one of those Egyptian royalty carts to the walk-up song "The Bitch Is Back," drink every bottle you got.
- If Hillary reaches the podium and declares "KNEEL FOOLISH MORTALS FOR I AM YOUR OVERLORD", genuflect and take a drink.
- If Hillary tries to laugh a little too eager before shredding the soul of the fool who dares question her, take a drink and avert your eyes before the bloodshed covers the screen.
- If Hillary makes a valid point about how overblown the attacks on her character have been the last
four eight twelve twenty thirtyforty years, take a drink.
- If Hillary directly answers a moderator's question about Benghazi, take a drink.
- If Hillary directly answers a moderator's question about Vince Foster, take a drink.
- If Hillary refuses to dignify a moderator's question about the Lewinsky scandal, take a drink.
- If Hillary mocks Trump, take a drink.
- If Hillary gets asked about Jeb Bush and she replies "Jeb who?" cheer and drink whole bottle.
- Update: If Hillary gets asked about the partisan nature of the congressional Benghazi committees, and she leans over the podium and shouts at the cameras "Hey How'd That All Work Out For Ya, McCarthy?" and laughs like a sadistic hyena, cheer and drink whole bottle.
- If Hillary wins the evening as expected, slides on her sunglasses, checks her smartphone for texts and idly announces "Khaleesi out, bitches," drink whatever's left of your bottles.
- If Bernie ever gives off the vibe of being that absent-minded economics professor from your college courses, take a drink.
- If Bernie talks about single payer replacing ObamaCare, bang your head against the nearest desk/counter and take a drink.
- (Update) If Bernie points out that the size of the auditorium seating is smaller than most of the turnouts he's been getting at his campaigning events, take a drink.
If he shouts out halfway through the debate "Great Scott! It's almost October 21, 2015! I need to go warn Marty about this!" and hops into a nearby DeLorean with a flux capacitor and flies off, take three drinks in honor of the Back to the Future trilogy.
|We're still waiting for our HOVERBOARDS, Doc!|
- If anyone else quotes a line from the TV show The Wire to O'Malley's face, take a drink.
- If the line is from Omar, mutter "A man gotta have a code" and take two drinks.
- If O'Malley tries to hit Hillary on an issue, shout at the screen "Yo Bey you come at the queen you best not miss" and take a drink.
- If O'Malley brings up his Irish background, refuse to drink. Dammit, have some standards.
If Webb's walk-up music is "In The Navy" by the Village People, take two drinks. If Webb says "Semper Fi" at any point of the debate, pull out a silver dollar coin and slam it hard on the wooden table or bar in front of you and shout "Oo Rah". Then take a drink. If Webb challenges any person present to an honest-go-God wrestling fight, take two drinks and call the WWE for when the Pay-Per-View event is gonna be. If Webb offers up a social conservative answer to a debate question, take a drink for each social conservative Democrat you know personally. You may end up going thirsty, I know, but this is a rule. If Chafee gets confused for one of the lesser Republican candidates and told by the CNN moderators to wait outside, take a drink. If Chafee has to defend the fact his state of Rhode Island is smaller than most American suburbs, avoid Beth Pizio's wrath and take a drink. If Chafee brings up the fact that he's the only Republican (former) who voted AGAINST the Invasion of Iraq 2003, take the beer bottle from the nearest Republican partier and take a drink from that bottle, then hand it back. If there are no Republicans near you, shrug it off. If the Republicans near you already finished off their bottles, mock their existence. If Chafee mentions the war, take a drink and act like John Cleese did in that episode of Fawlty Towers. If Lessig even shows up, take a drink because it means someone at CNN or the DNC lightened up. If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take a drink. If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take another drink. If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take another other drink. If Lessig expresses realization on-stage that campaigning on a single-issue topic like campaign reform is going to limit the number of reasons for people to take a drink during the drinking games, drink whole bottle. If Biden strolls on-stage in Ray-Ban sunglasses and a Stratocaster slung under one arm, take a shot of whiskey from that stash you rescued from CBGB, rock and roll and motherf-cking A. If Biden gets to the podium and goes "This is a big f-cking deal," take two shots of whiskey. Whenever Biden gives an answer that shows he can be a genuine alternative to poor Hillary, take a shot of bourbon. If Biden commits a gaffe that still endears him to the Democratic voting base, take two shots of bourbon. (Update) If Biden answers "We're not gonna build a wall at the border, we're gonna build a water slide!" that means he's reading this blog, so cheer and drink the whole bottle.
There you go, you fanatics of the freenets. Again, if you've got any suggestions add them to the Comments below or tweet me at @PaulWartenberg
Remember, everyone: PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.
Do NOT Drink and Vote. Even though the urge will tempt you.