(Update) Democratic Debate Drinking Game for October 2015 Even Though The Election Is Still 2016 And All: The All's Fair In Love And Gwar Version

Update Above All Updates Considering the Amount of Traffic This Is Getting In the Run-Up to the November 14 Debate: Since I'm busy with my NaNoWriMo writing project (finally, I am succeeding by writing an intentionally overblown urban fantasy using a sexy vampire protagonist, I'm just gonna write it and be damned), and because writing up new drinking rules each month got to be a bore for the Republican drinking rules, I'm just gonna allow this one to stand and make revisions to the obvious fact that the Dem debates are down to three people now. Man, not even Lessig got a chance to get people drunk... So go ahead, follow these rules and please remember to DRINK AND VOTE RESPONSIBLY...

In the interests of fairness and balance, and in honor of this being the first month that the Democratic candidates for President will publicly face each other in the THUNDERDOME of... of... whadda ya mean, "no weapons"?  That's gonna put Hillary at a severe disadvantage...

Anyway, we've had excuses for Americans - and pretty much the whole galaxy - get drunk as they watched Republicans go batsh-t insane on stage trying to out-pander Trump each other.  Now we gotta watch the Democrats.  And while five of the six three sir! (official) candidates are relatively sane - I'm gonna make you "spot the loony" - there may well be a need to hit the bottles once or twice (or 108 times) during the slogfest.

Also wik, I will update this later to add links to any custom drinks or craft beers that my ally and co-conspirator Pinku-Sensei can put up on his Crazy Eddie Motie's News blog!

Update 10/9: Adding a few more rules here... turnout is picking up by the way, thanks for showing!

Update 10/10: At last.  Pinku-Sensei has a drink order in place for Hillary Clinton!  Together, we will cause much hangovers across the globe...

Follow-up to the Update: He's got the drink order in for Bernie Sanders now.  I think for Martin O'Malley he's gonna go for whatever Omar thinks is best.

Continuation of the Follow-up to the Update: And now he's got the drink order for Joe Biden in.  You can't stop Pinku-Sensei you can only hope to contain him!

Ultimatum Derived from the Continuation of the Follow-up to the Update: Pinku-Sensei has the final drink orders in for O'Malley and Webb and Chafee.  BRING IT, VEGAS.  WE ARE READY FOR THE DEBATE. Too bad they dropped out. You can still drink em if you want to.

That said, some of the rules from the previous drinking games I've set up for the Republicans still apply here, but I'll rehash:

• No shirts
• No shoes
• NO DICE

...okay, serious now.  Here are the ground rules about drinking:

1. Respect your liver.  Have the decency to pass out before you drink to death.
2. Choose a designated driver to make sure you can get home safe.  Also have buckets and towels ready for any vomiting.
3. Get your declaration of love for your friendly toilet bowl done while you're sober.  Make sure the crawl path between your chair and that toilet is free of any sharp objects that can cut your kneecaps.
4. Even if you drink only water for this game, be aware that too much water is toxic.
5. Do not be surprised if something insane, insulting, and inconceivable not even covered by this drinking game happens during debate night.  Even with this being Democrats - the party that respects the electoral process - there are going to be moments where someone is going to cross a line to make an argument.

If anyone has suggestions for drinking rules regarding the Democratic round, I will consider and add them to this list.  Lemme rephrase this: If anyone has suggestions for rules regarding the Democratic roud that do not delve into conspiracy-driven fantasyland Fox Not-News talking points, I will consider and add.

So, here now for the CNN debate set in Las Vegas (!) for Tuesday October 13, 2015 "Who Has a Debate On a WEEKEND In Iowa?" Novermber 14, 2015 is the DEMOCRATIC PRE-PRIMARY "2015 IS STILL TOO DAMN EARLY FOR THIS SH-T" DRINKING GAME.  (Notice: Updates are likely).

General Rules

• If any candidate has to defend the Obama administration, take a drink.
• If any candidate other than Hillary has to defend the Clinton administration, take a drink.
• If any candidate has to defend the Jimmy Carter administration, shout "that's 40 years now" and take a drink.
• If any candidate has to defend LBJ's Great Society and civil rights efforts, finish off a bottle and throw it at the screen.
• If any candidate has to defend FDR's New Deal, for the LOVE OF F-CKING GOD THAT'S 80 YEARS AGO AND THOSE REFORMS ARE STILL WITH US BECAUSE THEY WORK YOU RANDIAN LIBERTARIAN GOVERNMENT-DESTROYING SONS OF BITCHES.
• If any candidate brings up income inequality as an issue, cheer and take a drink.
• If any candidate brings up education reform that involves actually raising more money to pay for more and better teachers and more modern public schools, cheer and take a drink.
• If you notice this rule-maker is a little biased about certain issues, take a drink.
• If any candidate jokes about what happens in Vegas staying in Vegas, drink whole bottle if you are with the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce and/or Tourism office.
• If any candidate disappears and is later found working a slot machine feeding it coin after coin muttering "I can win this thing, I can win this thing", drink whole bottle.
• If an Elvis Impersonator gets on the stage and provides valid arguments about issues during the debate, drink whole bottle and get that Elvis' agent to see if the guy will run for office.
• If any of the candidates accidentally wind up getting married to each other in some wacky sitcom hijinks, drink whole bottle.
• If Mulder and Scully show up asking what the candidates know about the nearby airbase, drink whole bottle.
• If aliens show up asking the candidates about Mulder and Scully being in a relationship, cheer and drink whole bottle.
• Update: If any candidate jokes about getting elected to the Presidency before House Republicans can even settle on a Speaker, take a drink.
• Reminder I will add updated rules to any sensible suggestions, thank you.

And for the specific candidates, well there's currently only six THREE SIR! - although everyone in the Beltway media keeps pining for the fjords uh Joe Biden ah Elizabeth Warren - so this list is shorter than the Republicans.  Lessig is campaigning on the Democratic ballot but for some reason - is he below a cut-off line in the polling? C'mon, this is a smaller field, they can fit Lessig on-stage even if he's polling just six people total - he's not been invited (yet).

I'm still adding Biden though just for the sh-ts and giggles.  And if he declares before October 13 - like right at Monday October 12th 11:59 PM EST - CNN will consider him eligible.  Yes, the media is that desperate for a horse race.

Hillary Clinton

• If Hillary enters the stage being carried by six of her handlers on one of those Egyptian royalty carts to the walk-up song "The Bitch Is Back," drink every bottle you got.
• If Hillary reaches the podium and declares "KNEEL FOOLISH MORTALS FOR I AM YOUR OVERLORD", genuflect and take a drink.
• If Hillary tries to laugh a little too eager before shredding the soul of the fool who dares question her, take a drink and avert your eyes before the bloodshed covers the screen.
• If Hillary makes a valid point about how overblown the attacks on her character have been the last four eight  twelve twenty thirty forty years, take a drink.
• If Hillary directly answers a moderator's question about Benghazi, take a drink.
• If Hillary directly answers a moderator's question about Vince Foster, take a drink.
• If Hillary refuses to dignify a moderator's question about the Lewinsky scandal, take a drink.
• If Hillary mocks Trump, take a drink.
• If Hillary gets asked about Jeb Bush and she replies "Jeb who?" cheer and drink whole bottle.
• Update: If Hillary gets asked about the partisan nature of the congressional Benghazi committees, and she leans over the podium and shouts at the cameras "Hey How'd That All Work Out For Ya, McCarthy?" and laughs like a sadistic hyena, cheer and drink whole bottle.
• If Hillary wins the evening as expected, slides on her sunglasses, checks her smartphone for texts and idly announces "Khaleesi out, bitches," drink whatever's left of your bottles.

Bernie Sanders

• If Bernie ever gives off the vibe of being that absent-minded economics professor from your college courses, take a drink.
• If Bernie talks about single payer replacing ObamaCare, bang your head against the nearest desk/counter and take a drink.
• (Update) If Bernie points out that the size of the auditorium seating is smaller than most of the turnouts he's been getting at his campaigning events, take a drink.
• If he shouts out halfway through the debate "Great Scott!  It's almost October 21, 2015!  I need to go warn Marty about this!" and hops into a nearby DeLorean with a flux capacitor and flies off, take three drinks in honor of the Back to the Future trilogy.

We're still waiting for our HOVERBOARDS, Doc!

Martin O'Malley

• If anyone else quotes a line from the TV show The Wire to O'Malley's face, take a drink.
• If the line is from Omar, mutter "A man gotta have a code" and take two drinks.
• If O'Malley tries to hit Hillary on an issue, shout at the screen "Yo Bey you come at the queen you best not miss" and take a drink.
• If O'Malley brings up his Irish background, refuse to drink.  Dammit, have some standards.

Jim Webb

• If Webb's walk-up music is "In The Navy" by the Village People, take two drinks.
• If Webb says "Semper Fi" at any point of the debate, pull out a silver dollar coin and slam it hard on the wooden table or bar in front of you and shout "Oo Rah".  Then take a drink.
• If Webb challenges any person present to an honest-go-God wrestling fight, take two drinks and call the WWE for when the Pay-Per-View event is gonna be.
• If Webb offers up a social conservative answer to a debate question, take a drink for each social conservative Democrat you know personally.  You may end up going thirsty, I know, but this is a rule. 

Thanks for playing, Big Jim Webb. We have some lovely parting gifts.

Lincoln Chafee

• If Chafee gets confused for one of the lesser Republican candidates and told by the CNN moderators to wait outside, take a drink.
• If Chafee has to defend the fact his state of Rhode Island is smaller than most American suburbs, avoid Beth Pizio's wrath and take a drink.
• If Chafee brings up the fact that he's the only Republican (former) who voted AGAINST the Invasion  of Iraq 2003, take the beer bottle from the nearest Republican partier and take a drink from that bottle, then hand it back. If there are no Republicans near you, shrug it off.  If the Republicans near you already finished off their bottles, mock their existence.
• If Chafee mentions the war, take a drink and act like John Cleese did in that episode of Fawlty Towers.

Saturday Night Live was right: this guy WAS the life model for Frozen's Olaf.

Lawrence Lessig

• If Lessig even shows up, take a drink because it means someone at CNN or the DNC lightened up.
• If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take a drink.
• If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take another drink.
• If Lessig talks about campaign reform, take another other drink.
• If Lessig expresses realization on-stage that campaigning on a single-issue topic like campaign reform is going to limit the number of reasons for people to take a drink during the drinking games, drink whole bottle. 

Man, you really didn't have a chance did ya?

Joe Biden

• If Biden strolls on-stage in Ray-Ban sunglasses and a Stratocaster slung under one arm, take a shot of whiskey from that stash you rescued from CBGB, rock and roll and motherf-cking A.
• If Biden gets to the podium and goes "This is a big f-cking deal," take two shots of whiskey.
• Whenever Biden gives an answer that shows he can be a genuine alternative to poor Hillary, take a shot of bourbon.
• If Biden commits a gaffe that still endears him to the Democratic voting base, take two shots of bourbon.
• (Update) If Biden answers "We're not gonna build a wall at the border, we're gonna build a water slide!" that means he's reading this blog, so cheer and drink the whole bottle.

There you go, you fanatics of the freenets.  Again, if you've got any suggestions add them to the Comments below or tweet me at @PaulWartenberg

Remember, everyone: PLEASE DRINK RESPONSIBLY.

Do NOT Drink and Vote.  Even though the urge will tempt you.

Update: GOP Debate Drinking Game for 2016 But For the September 2015 Foofaraw In Particular

UPDATE 9/16/15: Tonight is the night!  Please remember to 1) drink responsibly, 2) have a designated driver even if you're at your own home, 3) feed the cats and walk the dogs first, 4) don't vote Republican for the next ten generations, and 5) boycott 20th Century Fox's efforts to make another Fantastic Four movie, Gods save us...

UPDATE 9/15/15: The final line-up for the formal debate at 8 PM will be Trump, Trump, Trump, baked beans and Trump, Jeb Bush, Scott Walker, Trump, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Trump, Marco Rubio, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, Trump, John Kasich, Chris Christie, Trump, and Carly Fiorina.  Also Trump.

The undercard will be Rick Santorum, Bobby Jindal, George Pataki and Lindsey Graham.  It might have included Rick Perry but he said an "oops" and fled for the safety of the Future Vice Presidential Candidates Retirement Home.

Despite Pinku-Sensei's best efforts to come up with a drink for Deez Nuts, the 15-year-old candidate will not be on the stage for the debates.  Sorry.

UPDATE 9/11/15: Damn the man.  Rick Perry went and dropped out today like a wuss boss, taking out one of the funnier candidates I had on my damn Drinking Game.  HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA MAKE "Take Three Drinks for X That Rick Perry Says" REFERENCES NOW?!?!?!  /cries

Sigh.  Anyway, the debate is JUST THREE DAYS AWAY (Five sir!) FIVE DAYS AWAY and I need to make sure 1) You're sitting comfortably in your sofas 2) You have an appropriate mix of drinks for this game, courtesy of Pinku-Uber uh Sensei,

Also, Pinku-Sensei has a drink lined up for Deez Nuts.  Which is a problem for me because 1) He's too young to drive all the way back to Cali for the debate and 2) HE'S LIKE TWELVE FIFTEEN YEARS OLD, MAN I can't promote underage drinking!

Read on, Don...

If you know what "foofaraw" means - no cheating using Google or online dictionaries - go ahead a take a drink.  Meanwhile, this post is NSFW so please blog responsibly...

If the Republicans are gonna have a debate every month leading up into the primary season, might as well update the GOP Debate Drinking Game every month as well.

I know people won't stop visiting the August one - given search engine algorithms - but I hope this September one lives up to expectations.

At least Crazy Eddie will have your specialty drink orders lined up on the Motie blog.  He's got special ones for Trump, but I would recommend getting Mexican brews just to spite Teh Donald.  It's your call.  Just remember, I don't drink I'm just the designated driver around these parts.
Update: With Carly Fiorina's rise in popularity among the Fox Not-News elite, there needs to be some drink orders set up for her at Crazy Eddie's place.  With Pinku-Sensei's hard work testing each brand - your liver survived, right boss? - he's come up with the appropriate sheep-themed labels.

Here are the ground rules about drinking:

1. Respect your liver.  Have the decency to pass out before you drink to death.
2. Choose a designated driver to make sure you can get home safe.  Also have buckets and towels ready for any vomiting.
3. Get your declaration of love for your friendly toilet bowl done while you're sober.  Make sure the crawl path between your chair and that toilet is free of any sharp objects that can cut your kneecaps.
4. Even if you drink only water for this game, be aware that too much water is toxic.
5. Do not be surprised if something insane, insulting, and inconceivable not even covered by this drinking game happens during debate night.  Nobody had Trump going after Megyn Kelly (or her attacking him with pointed questions) the way he did this August.  Just be prepared for some serious xenophobia, librul-bashing, and the slight possibility that the Republican Party establishment leaders are drinking more than you.

So, for the debate set at The Ronald Reagan Worship Temple of Passive-Positive Conservatism for this Wednesday September 16: THE REPUBLICAN PRE-PRIMARY "2015 IS TOO EARLY TO CAMPAIGN DAMMIT" DRINKING GAME (be prepared for Updates as situations change, by the way)

General Rules

• If any candidate talks about meeting Ronald Reagan in person, take a drink.
• (Update) If any candidate talks about being invited to the Reagan Library so that St. Ronnie could anoint him/her as THE CHOSEN ONE, take two drinks.  If the candidate points to the exact spot it took place, add a drink.
• (Update) If any candidate shows his/her own library card for the Reagan Library, take a drink.  If Nancy Reagan or the Library Director comes on stage with a receipt showing fifty dollars or more of overdue fines and lost returns, take a drink for every ten dollars of overdues, and take three drinks for every lost book.
• (Update) If all sixteen candidates perform a Black Mass to summon the demonic form of Reagan in his Hall of Power, to smite all and bring about the apocalypse, drink whole bottle and barricade the doors and windows.
• (Update) If any candidate praises Fox Not-News for "honesty and credibility" even though THIS debate is Live on CNN, throw bottle at screen.
• If any candidate tries to out-pander Trump, take a drink. This also applies to Trump, who is allowed within the rules to pander as much as inhumanly possible.
• (From @word_34 aka SkarkWeekSneak) If "Hillary" "email" or "server" are mentioned in the same sentence, you have to do double shots.  Throw in "Benghazi" here too.
• (Update) If a foreign policy matter that DOESN'T involve war drumming or trade boycotts even comes up as a debate topic, drink whole bottle in surprise.
• If any candidate accuses Obama of being the Worst President Ever, throw a dart at a photo of Dubya taped to the wall and take two drinks.
• If any candidate calls for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, take a drink.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of Planned Parenthood staffers, take two drinks.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of women who go to Planned Parenthood even for basic women's health care needs, turn off the TV and get stinking drunk because the Republicans are pretty much writing off the women's vote even in Red States.
• If any candidate calls for the impeachment of Barack Obama over:
  Executive orders, take two drinks;
  The Iran treaty, take six drinks in honor of the other nation signatories;
  Disrespecting Congress, take seven drinks for each year Obama's had to deal with their sh-t;
  Being an illegal Marxist Muslim Kenyan, finish whole bottle.
  (Update) The way Obama ties his shoelaces, even though Obama wears loafers, finish whole bottle.
  (Update) Naming mountains after the local Native American tribes' designations instead of former Presidents, break out some Alaskan crafted brew and finish whole bottle.
• (Update) If any candidate makes snide remarks about Jimmy Carter having cancer, donate money or materials to Habitat for Humanity and then riot in the streets for their trashing a fine humanitarian whose post-Presidential career has been better than most Presidents' administrations.

And now, to the specific doom-bringers by order of the most current polling track.  CNN will follow Fox Not-News guidelines of having the top ten polled on the big stage (so this list will get a cut-off set during the final Update) with the survivors clinging to hope during an earlier round of debates, but is offering near-equal coverage otherwise.  New drink rules for each one will be established, although the good funny ones from August may roll over:

Donald Trump

• Just take a drink already.  It doesn't matter what he says because whatever it is will drain the soul and break the heart.  When he speaks, just BOOM one shot, slam the glass / bottle down on the table, and wait for the next one.
• If Trump describes The Trump Wall in any detail, take two drinks.  If he uses the word "classy" as part of the description, add a drink.
• If Trump attacks the moderator verbally for what he feels is an insulting question or directed barb, take a drink.  If Trump disparages the moderator's gender, take two drinks.  If Trump expresses disdain for the moderator's fashion sense, finish off the bottle.
• If Trump describes Nancy as a "classy broad," just sit there flummoxed because it'll be a clue that TRUMP has been drinking before getting on-stage.
  (Update) If Trump is referring to Nancy Reagan, take a drink.  If Trump is referring to CNN's Nancy Grace, take five drinks.  If Trump is referring to Nancy Drew, throw bottle at screen.

Just remember:

Ben Carson

• If Carson or anyone else mentions how he's gotten to the Number Two spot behind Trump in the polls despite the fact he's got no legislative or administrative experience at all, take a drink.  If they try to describe this as a GOOD thing - the anti-government belief that experience in governance is actually BAD - drink whole bottle.
• If Carson correctly names the capital of Uzbekistan (it's Tashkent), take a drink.  If any other candidate fails to name a nation's capital, salute Carson for actually working on his foreign policy homework. 

Jeb! Bush

• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Mexican-Americans, take a drink.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Asian-Americans, take a drink.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Puerto Ricans who are already Americans thanks to laws passed in 1917(!), take a drink.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Canadian-Americans, laugh mercilessly at Ted Cruz and take two drinks.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Czech-Americans, call up a Hebrew mystic, forge a golem using Rabbi Loeb's methods, then have the golem take a drink 'cause buddy he needs it.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Native Americans, sober up damn quick 'cause that sh-t ain't funny.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Greek-Americans,  start the rioting in the streets of Tarpon Springs FL with mass burnings of Jeb! in effigy, then take a drink.
• If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Italian, Irish, German, French, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Polish, or any other Euro-Americans, you're probably passed out at that point because he's run out of ethnic groups to insult.
• (Update) If Jeb! tries to talk about his tax-cut plan, ring the Bell Curve and take a drink.

Marco Rubio

• If Rubio quits the stage and flies straight to Cuba because he can't take this stupid electoral process serious anymore, drink whole bottle.
• If Rubio charges that flight to the RNC's credit card, start another bottle and finish that off.

Ted Cruz

• I still think it's possible if Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, you should drink whole bottle.
• If Cruz merely attempts to fellatio Trump on-stage instead, take two drinks and spit.
• If Cruz talks about Rorschach being his favorite comic book character, cry into your drink first before finishing the whole thing off.

Scott Walker

• If Walker tries to say anything along the lines of "I have no strong feelings about that issue one way or the other," take a drink.
• If Walker tries to say anything along the lines of "I'll support whatever the other candidates support," cook a Belgian Waffle, eat the waffle, throw the waffle maker at the TV screen, then drink whole bottle.

• (Update 8/30) If Walker calls for the construction of a 5,500-mile long wall along the U.S. Canadian border, shout "NOW HIS WATCH BEGINS" and drink whole bottle of any Canadian brand you got.

Carly Fiorina

• If Carly brings out a bouquet of flowers sent to her by Roger Ailes and puts it on the podium, take a drink.
• If Carly talks about the need for a strong business executive with a track record of success to serve as President, remove her from the stage and replace her with eBay's Margaret Whitman.
• If Carly talks about mutant demon wolf-sheep, drink whole bottle.
• (Update): If any of your drinking partners starts humming "Sheep" from Pink Floyd's Animals, take a drink.

John Kasich

• If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment, take a drink.
• If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment while discussing foreign policy matters, take two drinks.
• If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment during an argument over which teams are likely to play in this year's World Series, slap the man and finish off bottle.  Then again, neither the Reds nor the Indians are in playoff contention so... 

Mike Huckabee

• If Huckabee says one damn word about his "ability" to judge morality in others, scream JOSH DUGGAR at the top of your lungs and throw every bottle at the screen.
• If this f-cking Pharisee even tries to play the holier-than-thou crap on-stage, throw every intact bottle at the screen again.
• (Update) If Huckabee demonstrates a failure of basic American History knowledge such as ignoring the legitimacy of the 14th Amendment or failing to recognize the No Religious Test Clause and the 1st Amendment's prohibition on Congress recognizing an established religion, throw every bottle at the screen.  

Rand Paul

• If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (California's legit to light up, yeah?)
• If Paul uses a bong shaped like Reagan's head, take three tokes.
• If Paul shares any of his Ayn Rand/Robert Heinlein fanfic from college, put that roll out and stop laughing.  Bro, dude, I said stop.  Yo, it hehe ain't that hehaho funny oh no hehehahaha the second-hand smoke's cough cough hahahaha is getting to me...

Chris Christie

• If Christie talks about his sex life again, puke your guts out.

Rick Perry Dammit you had one job!  Stay up on the stage and take the jokes like a man!

• This never gets old: If Perry flubs a debate answer (again), take three drinks.
• If Perry openly wonders where the hell his deep-pocket Texan friends are while his campaign shuts down due to running out of non-SuperPAC funds, laugh and take three drinks.

Rick Santorum

• If Santorum punches out any Google executives in the audience during the debate, take two drinks.

Rick Roll Sorry had to be done

Rick, uh Bobby Jindal

• If Jindal openly admits he's pandering his heart out to get even a hearty handshake from someone, ANYONE, shout back at the screen "Go ask Grover" and take a drink.
• If Jindal pulls out a remote detonator and threatens to blow up a Louisiana Planned Parenthood office right there on the stage, call the FBI on him for terrorist activity and take a drink.

Lindsey Lohan uh Graham

• If Lindsay talks about her upcoming work schedule such as a new pop album and hopes of a Hollywood comeback, you've got the wrong Lindsey on your channel so switch it over from TMZ back to CNN.
• If Lindsey talks about his upcoming work schedule of shutting down the government over the Iran treaty, take a drink and switch it back to TMZ.

George Pataki and Jim Gilmore

• Dudes.  No invite.  Go home.  With Perry out do either or both of these low-tier gentlemen get the invite now?
• (Update 9/15): Since Pataki got an invite, If Pataki says something at all, take a drink.  We're overcompensating for the fact that with Perry gone people are not getting the extra drunkenness of "three drinks" that Perry provided.

Deez Nuts

• Dude!  HE'S FIFTEEN.

Whew.  I need a drink after writing all that.

If anyone has suggestions for rules, please pass them along in the Comments area or if that's not working to tweet me @PaulWartenberg as long as it's at least 48 hours before the debate begins so I can make sure everything's in order.  Danke.

And when it's all said and done, wake me up when September ends.

It Has To Be Done: GOP Debate Drinking Game 2016 Edition

(Update 10/15/2015: there is now an October drinking game in place, please link over to that, danke)

(Update 8/30/2015: Final note to everyone still looking.  I'm posting a September drinking game for the GOP Sept. 16 debate that I just finished and linked here.  I can't hide or shut down this page, which I figure is still gonna get views thanks to the search engine algorithms out there, but hey the September rules are up now please get drunk using that.  And Pinku-Sensei has the drink orders you can use...
I am now convinced this is not a clown-car race, this 2016 campaign is an endurance test for people's livers.  In the interest of fairness I hope to get a Democratic drinking game up before their October debate.  Meanwhile, keep checking the blog for all the other stuff I'm writing.)

(Note: Getting some traffic for this entry, so I see a need to update with fresher drinking rules as the gaffes pile up...  
Update to the Note: if anybody has a suggestion for a drinking rule to this game, by all means add it via Comment below or else tweet me @PaulWartenberg okay?  
Revision to the Update to the Note: I F-CKING LOVE YOU GUYS visiting my place.  
Addendum to the Revision to the Update to the Note: Now it turns out even Lindsey Graham is encouraging the use of drink during debate viewing: "Well, when I’m in the first debate, which is the ‘Happy Hour Debate,’ at five o’clock, start drinking. By nine o’clock, Donald may make sense to you, if you drink enough." - Graham.
Correction of the Addendum to the Revision to the Update to the Note: It's Tuesday evening (8/4/15) and Fox Not-News has announced the final cut!  TWO DAYS, SHEEPLE!  More below, including changes to the lineup and some additional drinking rules!)
Also Wik: Crazy Eddie's Motie News has custom-designed drinks specific to Trump, and we are promised custom drinks for each of the other debators, so check that place for updates as well.  Big shout-out to Pinku-Sensei!
Also Also Wik to Everything Above and Below and On This Blog: Final word from Pinku-Sensei is that the other candidates' drink orders are on the Crazy Eddie site now!
OKAY AMERICA, IT'S UP TO YOU NOW.  Just remember, DRINK RESPONSIBLY and be wise when selecting your Designated Driver!  The drinking rules are below, I hope you've found a nice selection of lagers and brews, and be sure to tip your bartender/wait staff ('cause that was something Mitt Romney never did, the cheap bastid)!
Just so you know, I am only accountable for 3189 of you getting drunk tonight (total official number of article visitors).  For the remaining 284 million Americans and countless others overseas of legal drinking age, I am not your alibi.  So there. ;)

So this came up.  Oliver Willis of Like Kryptonite To Stupid and contributor to Media Matters brought up how Jeb Bush's campaign was selling watch party tickets for about $2700.00 (!) and I joked about how it would be cheaper to just stay at home to watch, order $40 in pizzas and sit around with drunk friends mocking the whole shindig.  Then this idea came up:

Yeah, I'm kinda thinking up a few rules for a drinking game meself.  And I don't drink alcoholic beverages, and even I'm thinking about how to get drunk enough to watch the coming circus act.

So, the drinking rules to the August 6th Republican Debate for the 2016 Presidential Nomination shall be thus:

IN GENERAL

• If any candidate talks about meeting Ronald Reagan in person, take a drink.
• If any candidate talks about kneeling before St. Ronnie and asking for his blessing to serve the cause as THE CHOSEN ONE, take two drinks.
• If any candidate shares a passage from his erotic Reagan fanfiction involving light bondage and tax cuts (we live in a Fifty Shades world now), throw bottle at screen.
• If any candidate praises Fox Not-News for "honesty and credibility", throw bottle at screen.
• If any candidate tries to out-pander Trump, take a drink. This also applies to Trump, who is allowed within the rules to pander as much as inhumanly possible.
• If any candidate says nice things about Jon Stewart and suggests Jon shouldn't retire this year from the Daily Show, quit drinking and stay sober because you've just witnessed the impossible.
• (Update: from @word_34 aka SkarkWeekSneak) "Hillary" "email" or "server", you have to do double shots.  Throw in "Benghazi" here too.
• (Update) If any candidate accuses Obama of being the Worst President Ever, throw a dart at a photo of Dubya taped to the wall and take two drinks.
• (Update) If any candidate calls for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, take a drink.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of Planned Parenthood staffers, take two drinks.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of women who go to Planned Parenthood even for basic women's health care needs, turn off the TV and get stinking drunk because the Republicans are pretty much writing off the women's vote even in Red States.
• (Update) If any candidate calls for the impeachment of Barack Obama over:
  Executive orders, take two drinks;
  The Iran treaty, take six drinks in honor of the other nation signatories;
  Disrespecting Congress, take seven drinks for each year Obama's had to deal with their sh-t;
  Being an illegal Marxist Muslim Kenyan, finish whole bottle.

FOR SPECIFIC CANDIDATES
(Update: As of Tuesday August 4th we know the ten contestants on the next "Prience Is Right Drunk!"  The names are in order of the Fox Rankings)

For Donald Trump: 

• If Trump says something insulting, take a drink.
• If Trump says something demonstrably false, take a drink.
• Actually, don't do either.  The second he opens his mouth under those rules, you're pretty much gonna be passed out by the fifth minute of the debate.
• If Trump says he respects Latinos and can easily win their votes, take two drinks from any Dos Equis brand in front of you and laugh your ass off.
• If Trump complains about China in any way, take the Made In China tab on any Trump-labeled designer wear and tear it off, then take a drink.

For Jeb Bush:

• If Jeb says nice things about his brother's administration, take two drinks - one for Dubya and one for Cheney - and yell at the screen.
• If Jeb brings up school vouchers, take three drinks.
• If Jeb says there shouldn't be immigration reform, drink whole bottle.
• If Jeb says Obama is a terrible foreign policy President, take a drink from every bottle made by the 2003 Coalition of the Willing, and then vomit on a picture of Bush the Elder. Please have towels and trash cans handy. 

For Scott Walker:

• If Walker brings up his union-busting habits, take a drink.
• If Walker brings up his recall survivial, take two drinks.
• If Walker brings up how he squashed his John Doe investigation, drink whole bottle.
• If Walker tries wearing a Packer Cheesehead foam hat, drink from a Chicago microbrewery label and shout "DA BEARS".
• If Walker calls himself a "job creator", throw bottle at screen.

For Mike Huckabee:

• If Huckabee claims he's a strong judge of character, scream "you hang out with child molesters!" and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee talks about jamming with Ted "I Worship My God-Gun" Nugent, take two drinks and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee tries to compare anything to the Holocaust, light a memorial candle and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee tries to talk about stricter prison laws, or looser law enforcement rules to "fight crime", take a drink for every cop who died because of his asinine pardons as governor (5, at last count) and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee appears on the screen, throw bottle at screen.

For Ben Carson:

• If Carson gets a non-Obamacare question, take a drink.
• If Carson actually answers a non-Obamacare question with a reasonable-sounding policy suggestion, drink whole bottle.
• If Carson talks like he's taken notes from Rick Perry, take three drinks.

For Ted Cruz:

• If Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, drink whole bottle.
• If Cruz says anything about the legislation he's nuked in the House - while serving as a SENATOR - take a drink.
• If Cruz employs oratory tools that rely heavily on the teachings and practices of Cicero and Pericles, take two drinks.
• If Cruz not only panders on the issue of a Government Shutdown over Planned Parenthood, but also claims to have locked every door to the Capitol Building and threw away the key just to make certain, drink whole bottle.
• If Cruz fails to joke about Obama being born in Kenya, drink the entire bottle of whatever Canadian brand is in front of you and throw empty bottle at the Calgarian Candidate.

For Marco Rubio:

• If Rubio talks about his exaggerated family story where his parents fled Cuba well before Castro took it over, take a drink. 
• If Rubio speaks against the opening of relations with Cuba, take two drinks.
• If Rubio finishes the whole night without saying one word about immigration, finish off the bottle.
• If Rubio any says anything in Espanol, drink whole bottle.

For Rand Paul:

• If Paul mentions the gold standard, take a drink.
• If Paul discusses the need to end American interventionist activity, take a drink.
• If Paul still says we need to bomb Syria though, take four drinks.
• If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (in legal states only).
• If Paul revs up a chainsaw, switch the TV over to Evil Dead II and watch a real expert - BRRRRRUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEE! - wield one.

For Chris Christie:

• If Christie tries to quote Springsteen, throw bottle at screen.
• If Christie tries to punch somebody on stage, take a drink.
• If Christie tries to punch one of the debate moderators, take three drinks.
• If Christie tries to punch a teacher in the audience, finish whole bottle.
• If Christie gets arrested during the debate over his ethics failures and dragged off-stage, drink whole bottle.

For John Kasich:

• If Kasich is even on the stage, take two drinks right off the bat because it probably means Christie got arrested beforehand and there was an opening.  Okay, it looks like Laughing Boy from Dayton made it.  Go ahead, Ohio, take a drink right off the bat.
• If Kasich talks about immigration reform, take a drink.
• If Kasich defends his time working for Lehman Brothers, throw bottle at screen.
• If Kasich mentions how he was with the bipartisan team that got a balanced budget going in Congress back in the 1990s, take a drink and pity the poor guy because he just used the word 'bipartisan' in front of a GOP primary crowd that considers it a trigger word.

The rest of the list is now set aside for the sad, doomed players who got played.  There's still a debate taking place between this sorry lot, so if anybody wants to get an early buzz on before the Main Event, you're happy to apply these to your wasted afternoon.
WELCOME TO THE HAPPY HOUR BREW KREWE, YOU FEW!

For Rick Perry:

• If Perry flubs a debate answer (again), take three drinks.
• If Perry says anything about a "Texas miracle" involving that state's economy, take a drink, and then prepare to pass out because that's all he's got.
• If Perry keeps looking over his shoulder, gazing into the distance, sighing repeatedly like a poor child missing his favorite roller coaster ride, take a sympathy drink.

For Rick Santorum:

• If Santorum is even on the stage, it means Rick Perry got lost on the way to the auditorium, so take three drinks right away in honor of Perry.   Oops, Perry's gonna be standing right next to him.
• If Santorum mentions gay marriage as the cause of all natural disasters, take a drink.  If the rule was to drink whole bottle, you'll end up dead from toxic effects (even if you substituted water! True story).
• If Santorum mentions man-on-dog marriage as legal now, kiss Fluffy and take a drink.
• If Santorum asks people to stop Googling his name, finish whole bottle.
• If Santorum brings up the fact he won primaries in 2012 and DAMMIT he deserves better than getting seated at the little kids' table, take a drink for every primary he won (11).

For Bobby Jindal:

• Seriously?
• No, really, seriously?
• He's getting the Happy Hour invite, which isn't going to be too happy for him.  And for all he'd done to try and wipe out Planned Parenthood in his own state, tsk tsk.
• If Jindal ever openly begs Grover Norquist to end his misery, take a drink.

For Carly Fiorina:

• Seriously?  I just can't even give you a snarky answer because you lost your only other campaign attempt.  At least with Carson and Trump they're gonna qualify for the debate, but... Seriously, no, sorry Carly, this is it.
• If Fiorina tries to bring up her California Senatorial campaign - which failed, miserably - take a drink.

For Lindsey Graham:

• This is where the rules of "top 10 polled" gets ridiculous.  Experienced politicians who paid their dues like Graham, disagree with them or not, it's not fair for them to sit out while amateurs like Trump and Carson get the spotlight.
• If by the off-chance Graham makes the Big Dance, if he argues for bombing half the Middle East as a means of convincing our enemies and allies of our manhood, take a drink, break out a map, and start crossing off the NATO allies that are going to stop taking calls from our State Department.
• If Graham riffs off his earlier joke about drinking heavily to watch these debates, toast him for his sincerity at the least.
• If Graham refers to this drinking game, finish the bottle, 'cause damn.

For George Pataki:

• Who?
• If even he shows up at the door with ID proving he can get on stage for the 5:00 round, take a drink.

For Jim Gilmore:

• Bro, dude, seriously?  NOW you're putting in for this?  Bro.  THERE ARE NO SEATS LEFT IN THE GOP CLOWN CAR.  There are LIMITS even to the Clown Car.  Even *I* know Kasich was late getting into the game.  What are YOU drinking, Jim, to make you think you can even get in on this?  /headdesk
• If he shows up in a clown outfit, just so he can pretend he belongs there, throw bottle at the screen.

This is it, folks.  We are less than TWO DAYS AWAY from the third-best sales day for alcoholic breweries across the globe we will see in our lifetimes!

And this is, again, coming from a guy who don't drink.  I will be the only Designated Driver left standing after 10:00 PM EDT.