Free My Mind from the 2023 Blues

My head is not in a good spot right now.

I tried taking most of this month off to get some writing done - or even edit some writing projects down to a manageable self-published thing - but... I couldn't focus.

I find myself just sitting in the recliner, feeling overwhelmed, not feeling inspired or motivated, and just... not there.

I really noticed I'm having serious problems by how I'm NOT even using these blank hours/days to binge-watch any of the geek shows out there. The money going to several streaming services right now are just WASTED as I zone out. I even rented a copy of Season One of Star Trek: Strange New Worlds back before 4th of July... and I still haven't even popped Disc One in to the player. And I've heard the show is good, I mean Third Season of Next Gen good. What the hell is stopping me?

It was that realization: My chronic depression is back, it's severe, and I really need to find someone on my Blue Cross HMO to see about treatment and getting out of this funk.

I'm at the point where a massive announcement of donald trump getting indicted in BOTH Georgia and Washington DC this week won't get me in a better mood. Well, okay, actually yeah I would be highly buzzed if that happens, but I know I'll be back in the recliner getting moody again.

Alas.

Personal Status Report: Digging Into the Membrane

Well. This has been something on my mind for some time.

Literally.

I went to see about clearing out my sinuses back in June, and when I got a CAT Scan they found a lump in the middle of my brain.

Further MRI and exams point to a tumor on my Pituitary gland, which shockingly enough affects about one in five people. Most people live their lives not even aware of it. I hadn't, didn't have any of the obvious signs for it - severe sufferers will have frontal headaches behind the eyes - and in some respects didn't even think to look for it. My blood tests over the years didn't show much deviance in the hormones managed by the gland, although I've been a chronic depressive for years I dunno if this tumor caused all of that.

The thing is, the tumor pushes upward from the spot in the skull where the gland rests, which just happens to be right below the point where the optic nerves criss-cross. So that as the tumor grows, eventually it will push apart or even engulf those nerves, causing vision loss. I already have loss of outer edge (peripheral) vision based on the eye exams they gave me two months ago.

So the neurosurgeon and ophthalmologist are both saying I need the surgery.

No idea yet how much it's going to cost. All I know right now about the surgery is that they gotta go through the nose, scrape out the tumor (they know where not to scoop the Pituitary, here's hoping), and patch up the hole in my head so I don't leak out spinal fluids. It involves a stay in the hospital for at least two days, have to be off work for at least a week maybe two...

The horrifying thing is, of course, they'll be digging in my brain. As someone who prides himself on above-average intelligence, I dread what effects this will have on mah head, brah.

The risks are minimal, but my parents are telling me I'm way overdue for a Will just in case things don't go well.

I'll keep blogging until the day of surgery. We'll see how it goes from there.

Good luck and IO SATURNALIA, everybody.