The Epstein Elites Kan't Speel

I apologize for not blogging that often this month, I will attempt to get back up to speed, but in the meantime this kid (oh GOD I'm old) Josh Johnson is blowing up YouTube with clips of his stand-up routines skewering the billionaire techbro bastards currently tearing down every aspect of human civilization.

And these illiterate elites are trying to shove their artificial intelligence as though that fakery can compensate for their stupidity. Argh.

I'll check back in soon.

Honest Bumper Stickers 2024: Phase One In Which DougJBalloon Get His Oats

Hey kids, remember those brief fun moments when I carved out Honest Bumper Stickers?

Like this one?

Well, here's 2024, the candidates are set, the conventions are happening (or have happened), and it's time to see if I can remember how Inkscape works!

Okay, now that I've gotten THAT out of my system... HERE'S SOME MORE!

because the saying "Balls to the Walls" is a term to go full speed, and...
and... (sigh) look, I *have* to explain it, not everybody gets it!

And just to be fair, I crafted a couple of trump-friendly bumper stickers for this election cycle!

took me hours to find a decent
commons use image of prison bars

I'd make one for the struggling, tone-deaf, cruel-to-animals RFK Jr campaign: Alas I do have standards.

Four For the Fourth: History Matters

As a student of history, I encourage others to learn about history as well.

As such, whenever I come across something that may work as a useful resource of knowledge, I examine the offerings and determine if it's worth sharing.

As such, I introduce you - if you haven't met him already - the History Matters Guy.

Created by a UK history professor as a quick video tutorial for students, he'd expanded from rather detailed and long video clips on large parts of European/American/World history to shorter, more focused videos on specific - and oft-times weird - moments that need a bit of clarity.

And like most things British, there is humor involved. Dry, sarcastic, often deep humor. Like this one.

NARRATOR: You had one job.

There's one I like in particular that explained a rather odd situation with Grenada - and a too-brief involvement of U.S. military there.

Not covered in the video: Because of it's Commonwealth status, the US accidentally went to war with the whole Commonwealth by invading Grenada without getting an OK from our allies first. Thatcher let it slide because communism got thumped.

I liked the bit where the poor Governor-General is tied up and wielded like baseball bats by both sides. The professor draws the best "I don't need this" side-eye in the business.

I wonder if the professor is going to come out with a History Matters regarding tonight's UK Parliamentary elections...

Here's one more American-themed history clip for you. THIS WILL BE ON THE AP AMERICAN EXAM (seriously):

(Thanks to James Bissonette, Kelly Moneymaker, Something-something Wolf, Dr. Howard Dr. Fine Dr. Howard, Three-Spinning-Pl..... ow stop hitting me)

Bit of an Update, What Hey: Wouldn't you know it, the History Matters guy released a video about the post-4th situation between the UK and the US, over whether the Brits tried to reclaim the colonies:

You cheeky bastards. Burning down the White House was the plan all along! ...so what was that bit about New Orleans...?

Regarding the Future of trump's Library

I saw this cartoon shared elsewhere and decided to hunt it down and share it here. Considering my interests as a librarian and my previous semi-serious consideration about the location of any future trump Presidential Library, I feel this is very apt to share.

Cartoon by Bill Bramhall at the New York Daily News, 
originally issued August 10, 2022

Although, if things end up the way they should with trump in federal prison, the library may well be at the Florence Colorado ADX SuperMax. We would hope.

Turkey Sacrifice Day 2021: Unleash the Gravy

And now that I've gotten the somber, reflective 2000th post out of the way:

IT'S TURKEY SACRIFICE DAY, AMERICA!!!

And in case the turkeys ever DO mount a counter-attack:

NOW DEFEAT THOSE TURKEYS AS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN INTENDED US TO DEFEAT THEM!!!

And don't forget the gravy:

VICTORY OR DEATH! VICTORY OR DEATH! VICTORY OR... ooooh wait save some room for the pumpkin pie.

Four For the Fourth 2021: What We Were Really Fighting For During the Revolution

When it was all said and done, for our rights as a new nation... for Life, Liberty, and the Property Rights of... oh wait, we traded that out for Pursuit of Happiness, sorry... we truly fought for our rights to brag about our best sports teams!

The Iggles of Philadelphia said some brutal things about Captain Brady falling off a cliff, but I'm pretty sure the British changed their tune when Brady won more battles over the Ramhorns of Los Angeles and the Chieftains of Kansas City.

We fought for the right to root for Tampa Bay to have some of the best winning teams of recent memory! GO BOLTS! GO RAYS! GO BUCS!!! CHAMPA BAY! 

THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT, ENGLAND! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WINNING!!!

START THE FIREWORKS!!!

Four for the Fourth 2021: How Does The World See America?

Okay, so, while Americans go about enjoying the 4th of July as our Independence Day, just how do other nations perceive the UTTER GREATNESS OF EAGLELAND BOO RAH!

Well, on the bright side, they see us teaming up with lions to shoot zombie Hitlers...

Thank GOD we have Chris Evans giving us America's Ass...

What would Jack Kirby - uh, Captain America - do? OH YEAH, PUNCH HITLERS.

Oh CMON we're not all about pizza and hamburgers and cursing every other word... (realizes I'm grilling bacon cheeseburgers for dinner this 4th) Oh SONOFABITCH...

I'm sure the Europeans are going to be more accurate when describing Americans!

We're LOUD?! WE'RE LOUD?!?!? OH CMON... and again with the food! We got our food from YOU peeps! /cries

Maybe we should ask the aliens showing up in all those recently released UFO reports...

...sigh...

Top Ten Executive Orders I'd Like to See Out of President Biden

Apparently, Joe Biden hit the ground running as our 46th President of the United States by signing a vast number of Executive Orders, to the point where Republicans - who loved it when trump abused Executive Order signings so they didn't have to get held accountable in Congress with actual work - are whining about it (via Darraugh Roche at Newsweek): 

Biden has signed a significant number of executive orders in a short period and has drawn criticism from Republicans, some of whom have accused the president of ruling by diktat...

Some prominent Republicans have claimed that Biden has issued a modern-record number of executive orders in his first days in office. Biden had issued 37 executive orders during his first week, the New York Post reported on Tuesday...

The Economist noted on January 22 that Biden had signed more executive orders in two days than Trump had in two months and was setting a record pace, while NBC News lists 40 executive actions up to January 26.

Of the 40, 32 are listed as executive orders. The others are classed as proclamations or memoranda. However, it's common to refer to these as executive orders and they have a similar effect. Executive orders are listed at the Federal Register, but the site has not been fully updated yet.

"It's too early to know whether we'll see a large number of executive orders by Biden. It's not unusual for a president to sign several orders on his first day in office, but Biden did more of those than his predecessors, in large part to undo many of Trump's more controversial ones," said Seth Masket, professor of political science at Duke University...

And while a lot of them are necessary actions to undo the damage trump has done with immigration, trade, the environment, legal obligations, and so forth, there are still a number of Executive Orders I'd like to see from Biden that I think will go a long way to rebuilding our world.

So here you go, from David Letterman's legal counsel, our Top Ten Executive Orders I'd Like to See Out of President Biden!

10) Make it mandatory that everybody BUT donald trump gets two scoops of ice cream, poor donnie gets stuck one scoop from now on!

9) Send Rise of Skywalker back to the drawing board to get directed by Gareth Edwards with a better script that makes freaking gorram sense at the end!

8) Rename every street in front of a trump-own building or resort after Barack Obama!

7) Recast the entirety of next season's American Horror Story with Muppets!

6) Tattoo the names of every person who died due to the 1/6/21 Insurrection on trump's forehead!

5) Declare Skid Row the American Hair Metal Laurates of 2021! 

4) Require trump to have his golf games tracked by officials from the Professional Golfers' Association that he can't bribe or bully to document his actual golfing scores!

3) Make it legal for all spelling bee contests get decided with a Yo Mama smackdown between finalists!

2) Order all relevant agencies in the Executive branch to unredact every document of every investigation held on trump's own administration, from the Mueller Report down to every IG corruption probe held!

1) LESS TALK, MORE ROCK!

The Disaster Movie of the Year IS... The Year 2020

Just when you thought it was safe to dive into the Sharknadoes once more...

When you consider this was a year full of tragedy and trauma and MURDER HORNETS, it's the kind of year that would make any documentarian cream their shorts to make a dramatic 2-hour retrospective aboot. And yes, even before the year ends, someone's done that!

Annus Horribilis doesn't even begin to cover it. 

As 2020 Draws to A Close, We Contemplate Our Year of Madness

Just needed to wrap up this year as drunkenly as possible:

By the way, Julie from 2020, there's still 10 days left before the year officially ends. ANYTHING could happen in those days, this year should have taught us that for God's sake. (I should blog about that monolith thingee as a year's end wrap-up)

As for getting drunk, you might recall I tried doing that with hard cider a few years ago. I did not enjoy the taste of it, and had stayed sober since. This year brought back that urge to get drunk because DAMMIT WE ALL NEEDED TO AFTER THIS 2020 so I considered the possibility the cider I had gotten was too spicy with cinnamon. So I went and got a standard cider, no extra flavoring, just straight from the bottle...

And I still hated the taste of it. Ugh. I couldn't finish it, poured it down the kitchen sink. I got five bottles of it now sitting in my fridge looking for a new home. I'm sure someone can quarantine the bottles for 5-14 days before finishing them off, if anyone's interested... 

Honest Bumper Stickers 2020: Could This Election Cycle Get ANY Crazier? ...Yes, It Can...

The Honest Bumper Stickers will take some time to reach a sizable number, but in the meanwhile I've got these created in the quick:

More are sure to follow.

Little Green Footballs Bumper Sticker Generator

I only got around to one set of Honest Bumper Stickers for 2020, mostly 'cause my heart wasn't in it this year.

But that didn't stop THIS GUY (Charles Johnson) from creating a 2020 trump/pence Bumper Sticker Generator!

Yes, for only three pennies a day, you too can be a campaign supporter for the WORST PRESIDENT THIS NATION HAS EVER SEEN AND THAT'S WITH THE LIKES OF JACKSON, TYLER, BUCHANAN, JOHNSON AND HARDING.

Look! I even made one already.

IT HAS THE ADVANTAGE OF BEING AN ACTUAL trump QUOTE!!!

So dig in, America!

'Cause we're facing four more years of digging out of our graves if trump wins re-election.

Honest Bumper Stickers 2020 Part I: The Pantsing Menace

So there I was minding my own business, working on my NaNoWriMo project for this month of writing, when out of the blue we get a new wannabe candidate running in the 2020 Democratic Primaries.

So here comes Mike Bloomberg, doing nobody but billionaires any favors hopping into the campaign cycle ostensibly to run on a Centrist, pro-business platform but most likely doing whatever he could to stop the Progressives like Bernie and Warren taxing the ever-loving shit out of Mikey and his billionaire buddies.

So here I am rolling my eyes at Bloomberg's tone-deaf needless sacrifice to take one for the rich white guys, because the last type of person who is going to win over enough Democratic primary voters is going to be someone who promoted anti-civil-rights BS like Stop and Frisk while encouraging Wall Street to rip off homeowners by the truckload. Christ, look at the polling already. Wassisname, the Starbucks guy he didn't even survive the first wave of Twitter outrage. There's already this hedge fund manager Tom Steyer doing his best to get over 2 percent polling (and failing). If Bloomberg thinks he's gonna cut into Warren's - or even Biden's - lead, he's let his campaign advisors rip him off for millions with bad advice.

Here's the dark secret, billionaires who may harbor non-Republican values enough to be Dems: Most of the Democratic voting base hate rich guys who refuse to pay their fair share of taxes. If you wanna do Dem voters any favors, help fund the state-level candidates who need the fcking money to break the stranglehold Republicans have on too many state legislatures.

But no, the worst part of Bloomberg's rollout had to be this:

Yeah, I know. I couldn't stop laughing for three minutes.

Sadly, it turns out the marketing logo is actually a fake, but for a day or two I was haunted by this terribly designed logo: This cluttered mess of trying to make Bloomberg's name 'exciting' by putting in two 2020s and capping it with a lame motivational "OWNING IT TOGETHER." Whoever did design this fake logo knew how bad it could get. Seriously, this looked like something that would have wowed the crowds... back in 1973.

Ah, and this kind of thing stoked my ire back in 2015/16, when all the bad campaign ad work popped up on BOTH sides of the political primaries. All of that questionable logo design - all because Obama's people figured out early the big letter O for Obama could get used artistically for genuinely eye-catching logos - struggling to try and match Obama's marketing success.

It drove me to make Honest Bumper Stickers for 2016, and now here I come for 2020, revved up to mock the ever-loving hell out of candidates I will support for the Democratic ticket (I am not at the moment in any mood to make mocking bumpers for trump: All I will make for him is IMPEACH THE FUCKER, indeed).

So here I come, walking down your street, I get the funniest looks from, everyone I meet... HEY HEY IT'S HONEST BUMPER STICKERS! ...what?

Four For the Fourth 2019 The Third Act

And now, as part of my Four-Part attempt to blog like mad on the 4th of July, you get an awesome clip from the awesome musical 1776!!! Hit it, YOUTUBE!!!

...

Um...

...

Yeah, I need to preview these clips first.

Let's try this one.

Honest Bumper Stickers 2020: It Begins

With the second Democratic primary debate wrapping up tonight, I've decided to jump all in on the crazy and make more bumper stickers to express how I feel about the 2020 elections.

I'll start off with my current mindset and voting preference.

Yeah, I might have to delve a little more into the ISSUES, but right now telling off all the misogynists who refuse to vote for women is where I'm at, spiritually speaking.

I am also cool with Warren/Harris. Hope that's not a problem.

I Always Start Laughing Nonstop When the Ninjas Show Up

Ahh, the 1980s, when MTV showed up and all of a sudden EVERY single release needed to have a video clip with it... whether it even made sense or not.

Ergo, the infamous Bonnie Tyler video for "Total Eclipse of the Heart." Basically a song about a woman falling in love with a vampire, the video for it turned into a twisted metaphor for boarding schools filled with possessed choir boys and dancing Fonzies.

In fact, the only SANE way to watch the video is with the Literal Song Lyrics:

SPIN AROUND... NINJAS!!!

/headdesk

This chart might help:

The only reason I'm even thinking about this is because tomorrow is the TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE WAL-MART... across half the United States, although the totality will be a narrow band of OMG THERE'S NO PARKING HERE because 50 million Americans are getting there ahead of you.

NASA has a website dedicated to the eclipse. Even if you can't get within the band of totality, you can at least enjoy the partial eclipse within your zip code. As long as it doesn't freaking rain in the early afternoon where you live (mutter grumble freaking Florida weather grumble).

As for getting within the Band of Totality, you have to know a musical instrument and have a decent sense of melody and rhythm. /owstophittingme

Remember kids, don't stare right at the eclipse: let your parents do that for you instead!

WE SHALL RIDE TO TRUMP TOWER SHINY AND CHROME

Thank GOD for Saturday Night Live:

The streets were filled with onlookers:

And the skit did not disappoint:

We're still incredibly f-cked, but at least we're able to mock our tormentors as they demolish the landscape...

A Handy Guide To Light Switches

I dunno what is more troubling in the New York Times report about the first two weeks of the Trump administration:

• That the West Wing is horrifically understaffed,
• That there are few people in a position of authority who know what they are doing,
• That Trump himself is complacently out-of-touch with his own people,
• That the staffers who are there have no idea what a light switch looks like.

This blog article will focus on the last part, because it's the one that is in most dire need of attention.

BECAUSE HOW THE HELL CAN YOU NOT IDENTIFY A LIGHT SWITCH?

So, a quick perusal of the Google Search Engine brings up a link to Home Depot (tm)'s handy Buying Guide for Switches AND Dimmers (in case you want to set a mood):

This, believe it or not, is a light switch.

It has two options: Up or Down. Usually one setting will have it UP to turn on, but sometimes it will be the other way. You should be able to test this function within 3.4 seconds upon entering a darkened room.

Sometimes, there are MULTIPLE switches in a room. Each of them controls the UP or DOWN, so you will have to perform a combination of switch maneuvers to see what works. The best way is to keep one switch UP in what should be the Lights On setting, and then check the Second Switch with a series of Ups and Downs to see if that works. If not, go BACK to the First switch and turn it DOWN, then return to the Second switch and try the Ups and Downs again to see if that turns on the lights.

If the lights are NOT coming on at all, YOU SHOULD GET A LADDER DURING DAYLIGHT HOURS WITH AN OPEN WINDOW FOR NATURAL LIGHTING - or else bring a flashlight - AND CHANGE OUT THE DAMN BULBS.

Q: how many Trump employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A: do we really wanna know that answer?

Now, back to the matter at hand.

You MAY run into this newfangled technology called DIMMERS. In which case you will have a set of Knobs and Sliding bars that can turn On and then adjust the brightness of the lights to your needs.

Some Knob Dimmers will require you to Push in first to turn ON the light function, and then turn the knob CLOCKWISE to brighten the room.

The Slider Dimmers may have a Press ON button to turn ON the light function, and then slide UP to brighten the room.

If the room at the White House has absolutely NO light fixtures to turn ON or OFF, you may be in a damn broom closet.

If you are still having some difficulty figuring out where the light fixtures are, one simple rule is that the light switch is CLOSEST TO THE FREAKING DOOR YOU USE TO GO IN AND OUT OF THE DAMN ROOM.

If you are still having difficulty operating light switches and/or dimmers in any capacity, we encourage you to resign your post at the Trump White House and go back to Kindergarten because FOR CRYING OUT THIS IS SOMETHING WE LEARNED WATCHING SESAME STREET WHEN WE WERE FREAKING THREE YEARS OLD!

P.S. There may be some books at your local library on light switches that may help.

P.S.S. If this is Trump's Best and Brightest on display here, we're f-cked.

Worth It

PRESENTED WITH COMMENT

Comment:

DEAR F-CKING GOD I HAVEN'T FELT THIS BLESSED TO HAVE STAYED UP TO WATCH SNL SINCE I WOKE UP THAT NIGHT FOR NO APPARENT REASON WHEN THEY BROADCAST "LAZY SUNDAY" AND IT BLEW MY MIND.

FORGET HAVING ALEC BALDWIN CAMEO EVERY WEEK AS A BEFUDDLED DERANGED TRUMP, MELISSA MCCARTHY AS ENRAGED TWISTED SEAN SPICER SHOULD OPEN EVERY SNL UNTIL THE UNITED STATES COLLAPSES UNDER THEIR MISRULE.

ALSO I MAY NEVER LOOK AT PIZZA ROLLS THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

I AM AWAITED IN VALHALLA.

Key and Peele Keeping the Farewell Address Real

So, yeah, this may be the last time we'll get this - unless Obama comes back as Superman to save us from Trump:

Y'all fleeing to Sweden?!

TAKE US WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

/cries