Thursday, October 15, 2015

GOP Debate October 2015 Drinking Game: the Mocktoberfest for Republicans (And the Democrats Laughing On the Sidelines)

Shall I?  Must I?

The rules haven't changed that much, have they?

Has it all changed much since this epic opening salvo for the August debate?

We're still stuck with the remaining delusional uh well-regarded fear-mongers that we had in September.  Well, okay, Walker's out (and Perry had departed just before the September cringefest).  But there's still not enough room to fit all of the Jokers to the Right onto one stage.  And there's still not enough sanity to filter out the ones who REALLY shouldn't be up there (yes, I am looking at you Christie and Jindal and Huckabee and Jeb?).

I am sorely tempted to just create a permanent page to this blog for reference, but the search engine algorithms are already targeting the original posts so I can't mess with that.

So I might as well add one for the Mocktoberfest GOP Debate then.

As always, for your alcoholic requirements, drink orders are available (including drinks for the zombie apocalypse, coincidence I think not) through my partner-in-crime Pinku-Sensei's website.

Update: Pinku-Sensei has informed me he's gotten drink orders for Graham and Pataki lined up.

Follow-up to the Update: Thanks again to Batocchio at Crooks & Liars to linking to this blog!  If this is your first time here, please try the veal it's the best in the city. If you've been here before just remember to check all the links 'cause those people deserve some traffic love too. :)  Oh, AND PREPARE FOR NANOWRIMO!  I wanna verify a hundred of ya writing 50,000 words towards your novel this November, bwhahahaha.

Continuation of the Follow-up to the Update: What is this about CARSON leading the polls?  ...CARSON?!?!  He's going to be in the center of the podium line now?  Trump's gonna be PISSED about this...

The rules, as before and so below:

1. Respect your liver.  Have the decency to pass out before you drink to death.
2. Choose a designated driver to make sure you can get home safe.  Also have buckets and towels ready for any vomiting.
3. Get your declaration of love for your friendly toilet bowl done while you're sober.  Make sure the crawl path between your chair and that toilet is free of any sharp objects that can cut your kneecaps.
4. Even if you drink only water for this game, be aware that too much water is toxic.
5. Do not be surprised if something insane, insulting, and inconceivable not even covered by this drinking game happens during debate night.  We're now into the Third Round of Self-Implosions by the Republican ranks, and all of this happening in the shadow of the GOP House scalping their own leadership over who gets to wreck the nation as the next Speaker.  Trump is in a commanding lead and none of the Establishment "sane" candidates are near breaking double-digit polling numbers.

And now, for the Republican Presidential Pre-Primary Punchout Planned for October 28th somewhere in the mountains of Colorado, here's your LET'S GET DRUNK AGAIN AS THE REPUBLICANTS DRIVE US TO DRINK list of rules:

General Rules

  • If any candidate talks about meeting Ronald Reagan in person, take a drink.
  • (Update) If any candidate tells a tall tale about how he/she and Reagan once pulled a prank on Grover Cleveland, take two drinks.
  • (Update) If any candidate praises Fox Not-News for "honesty and credibility" even though THIS debate is Live on CNBC, throw bottle at screen.
  • If any candidate tries to out-pander Trump, take a drink. This also applies to Trump, who is allowed within the rules to pander as much as inhumanly possible.
  • (From @word_34 aka SkarkWeekSneak) If "Hillary" "email" or "server" are mentioned in the same sentence, you have to do double shots.  Throw in "Benghazi" here too.
  • If any candidate accuses Obama of being the Worst President Ever, throw a dart at a photo of Dubya taped to the wall and take two drinks.
  • If any candidate calls for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, take a drink.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of Planned Parenthood staffers, take two drinks.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of women who go to Planned Parenthood even for basic women's health care needs, turn off the TV and get stinking drunk because the Republicans are pretty much writing off the women's vote even in Red States.
  • If any candidate calls for the impeachment of Barack Obama over:
    Executive orders, take two drinks;
    The Iran treaty, take six drinks in honor of the other nation signatories;
    Disrespecting Congress, take seven drinks for each year Obama's had to deal with their sh-t;
    Being an illegal Marxist Muslim Kenyan, finish whole bottle;
    The way Obama ties his shoelaces, even though Obama wears loafers, finish whole bottle;
    (Update) How Obama is handling the gun safety crisis, start new bottle and finish it;
    (Update) The failure of House Republicans to settle on their own Speaker leadership, even though Obama has nothing to do with who the Speaker is, start a whole new bottle and finish that.
And now, this is by general order of polling placement, although this list may fluctuate during the next two weeks:

Donald Trump

  • Just take a drink already.  It doesn't matter what he says because whatever it is will drain the soul and break the heart.  When he speaks, just BOOM one shot, slam the glass / bottle down on the table, and wait for the next one.
  • If Trump brags about owning a USFL team, drink whole bottle and then throw the empty thing at the screen because it's HIS fault the USFL is dead now.
  • (Update) Did Trump just question the neocon narrative about WMDs in Iraq?  Take a drink and pass the popcorn!
  • (Update) If Trump tries to stand at the middle podium thinking he's still in the leads with the polls, drink whole bottle because the fun public meltdown is getting warmed up.
Ben Carson

  • If Carson tries to discuss history again, take a drink for every error he makes.
  • If Carson tries to blame the victim on any topic again, take a drink for every victim he blames.
  • (Update) If Carson offers up a horrifying revisionist take on ANYTHING, drink whole bottle.
  • (Update) If Carson is indeed at the middle podium for this this debate, make note of how this is proof the polling respondents are just trolling the whole planet now and drink whole bottle. 
Jeb? Bush

  • If Jeb even flashes for a brief moment a form of body language that tells everyone he's actually happy to be there, drink whole bottle.
  • (Update): If Jeb petulantly tells the audience "you should be GRATEFUL I'm wasting my time with you lot, I've got better things to do," cheer and take two drinks.
  • (Update): If George W. comes out on stage and not Jeb it means the Bush family is REALLY worried about Jeb's chances, so cheer and drink whole bottle.
  • (Update) If Jeb tries to pull on a hoodie jacket to look cool, just shake your head.
Marco Rubio

  • If Rubio has roses thrown at his feet by the fawning Beltway media as he comes on-stage, take two drinks.
  • If Rubio gives monosyllabic answers to debate questions that has the Beltway media complimenting him on his clear intellect and oratory skill, drink three times.
  • If Rubio gets escorted off the stage in a commandeered Popemobile by David Brooks, drink whole bottle.
Ted Cruz 

  • I STILL think it's possible if Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, you should drink whole bottle.
  • If Cruz merely attempts to fellatio Trump on-stage instead, take two drinks and spit.
  • If Cruz puts on a top hat and evil goatee and openly gloats about how he'll get the House GOP to shutdown the federal government over the surplus cheese supply anything, drink whole bottle.

Scott Walker

Carly Fiorina

  • If Carly lies again, take a drink.
  • If Carly exaggerates again, take half a drink.
  • If Carly's walk-in music is Pink Floyd's "Sheep", drink whole bottle.
John Kasich

  • If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment, take a drink.
  • If Kasich talks about a balanced Cincinnati Bengals unit that can take it all the way to the Super Bowl 50, take two drinks.
Mike Huckabee

  • If Huckabee demonstrates once again complete failure of basic American History knowledge, such as ignoring the legitimacy of the 14th Amendment or failing to recognize the No Religious Test Clause and the 1st Amendment's prohibition on Congress recognizing an established religion, throw every bottle at the screen.
Rand Paul

  • If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (Hmm, two states in a row with legalized marijuana, coincidence I think not)
  • If Paul openly wonders why he's losing support when he's the current standard bearer for libertarianism, shout back "it's because libertarianism doesn't work!" and inhale a toke.
  • If Paul argues about how he'll plan to stop any budget deal from passing Congress this year, shout back "Cruz is beating you to that!" and toke it.
Chris Christie

  • If Christie roots for any New York City team during the debate, shout "TAKE IT TO BRIDGE, YOU CROOK" and take a drink.
Rick Santorum

  • I got nothing new. If Santorum punches out any Google executives in the audience during the debate, take two drinks.
Bobby Jindal

  • If Jindal open-carries onstage to promote the NRA, take a drink and dive for cover.
  • If Jindal goes full Truther on Newtown or any other school shooting, drink whole bottle.
  • (Update): If Jindal asks the moderator "can I call a life-line" and he dials up Grover Norquist to beg for help, pour everything into a (clean) bathtub and drink from that.
Lindsey Graham

  • If Lindsey openly whines about Steve Spurrier's sudden retirement from coaching the Gamecocks, openly shout back "Gator fans are feeling it too, you selfish bastard" and cry into your drink.
  • If Lindsey brags about using his Senatorial authority to threaten a government shutdown, shout back "Cruz and Paul are beating you to it" and take two drinks.
George Pataki and Jim Gilmore

  • Take a drink if either of them even show up for the preliminary "kids' table" debate.  'Cause man why bother?

Again, if ANYBODY has suggestions for new drinking rules for this month's debate, please add them to the Comments field here or tweet it to me at @PaulWartenberg


dinthebeast said...

But, but, but Libertarian has liberty right in it's name! Urg. Also, Roger Waters would cease-and-desist Carly so fast that she couldn't find the video of that either... Also, do you own stock in any distilleries or breweries? And if not, don't you think that would make a prudent investment right about now? I mean there are still nine gop debates left...

-Doug in Oakland

Pinku-Sensei said...

Thanks for the plug and links. Now I'll have to finish my drink orders with suggestions for Graham and Pataki. I'd better hurry before Pataki drops out.

Paul said...

Pinku, I wouldn't bother on Pataki. C'mon, why are even paying attention to the third-tier guys like him?

Paul said...

I don't own much in the way of stock options, just retirement portfolios with FRS and the city of Bartow.

I also don't drink alcohol. I'm only doing this because there's a market for these drinking rules.

Pinku-Sensei said...

"I wouldn't bother on Pataki."

Oh, but there's already a good liquor joke out there for him!

"C'mon, why are even paying attention to the third-tier guys like him?"

For the LULZ and completeness. Besides, he makes for an easy blogging subject.

Pinku-Sensei said...

I finished the drink orders for the debates with Drinks for Republican candidates: Graham, Pataki, and Gilmore. Graham and Pataki got first-class treatment; at least Pataki's drinks can be recycled for Clinton because both are from New York. As for Gilmore, I just recycled one of Webb's suggestions; Gilmore didn't deserve anything new or original.