Write-In for Florida US District 18

I know this is late to the game and all, but I'm looking at my Polk County FL ballot and I'm a little perturbed by what I see for my Congressional district - 18th District, stretching from Polk County southward to Lake Okeechobee - choices.

There's no Democrat running this midterm. As a result, the choices I have are either the establishment Far Right Conservative Republican candidate, the Far Right Conservative Independent candidate with ties to the NRA (boo hiss), and a Write-In slot.

...

Fuck it, I'm using the Write-In slot. And since I don't know anybody else to write in... Fuck it, I'm writing myself in on the Ego ticket.

So if anybody else in Central Florida with the 18th District as your stomping ground, if you want a center-left candidate to vote for, well what the fuck write me in.

Here's my platform:

• I support a woman's choice to her own body and health.
• I will let teachers teach without interference from politicians and censors.
• I will raise taxes on billionaires because let's be honest they're the only ones who can afford to pay taxes anymore.
• I support universal background checks on ALL gun sales, I support a ban on ALL assault rifles, I support all laws to prevent angry guys getting any access to a gun as a means to reduce domestic violence.
• I will fight to get nurses and teachers paid like baseball players.
• I support any immigration reform that makes it easier for law-abiding families to enter the U.S. on work plans and become citizens like my ancestors did.
• I will fight to reduce the high costs of rent.
• I will punish any deejay who talks over the last 30 seconds of Pat Benatar's "Love Is a Battlefield." You bastards, when the whistling starts is not a cue to start blabbing. The song's not over yet!
• I will push for clean water and clean air laws to help Florida and the nation be balanced with our nature, and make it safe to live here.
• I will fight for election laws that will end gerrymandering, that will promote voter rights without interference from suppression, and will ensure that the majority of people will get the representation that truly reflects their needs.
• I support all law enforcement reforms that will de-escalate situations to reduce police brutality and ensure all our civil rights are upheld.
• I will serve the public trust for both Florida and the nation.

There you go. That's me.

I know this is late, just days before the midterms election itself. But goddammit, someone's got to stand up for this district and for Florida.

And the good news, I won't spam you fifty times a day begging for campaign funds!

So if you're between Lakeland to Palmdale and Lakeport, between Mulberry to Sebring, if you wanna test your handwriting, write in Paul Wartenberg for the 18th Congressional!

...

Yes, I will be surprised if you all spell my last name correctly.

You Were Warned This Was Coming

With all due respect to my seven readers, you knew this day would come.  Just not this day.

In order to counter the growing talk of having Jeb "Yet Another" Bush being the prospective Republican nominee for 2016, I have decided to jump ahead of schedule and make my candidacy for President of the United States official.

Yes, I may be starting too early.  Yes, this goes against my constant argument for keeping all electioneering within the actual year of the election itself.  But if my throwing of the tinfoil hat into the ring has the effect of convincing Jeb Bush that Florida is MINE, it should stop this insidious crazy talk about his nomination once and for all.

Now, the process itself still requires a few things... such as filing paperwork in all 50 states I need the vote (plus DC), getting petitions signed and notarized, and oh about maybe $2.4 billion in loose change to pay for the whole damn thing.

I expect to raise most of that through merchandising, such as getting t-shirts and postcards printed out via CafePress.  A lot of money should be rolling in via my upcoming political biography Always Sober Never Sane. (due on the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month)

As the excerpt from my epic memoir makes clear:

These are the thymes that dry men's underwear. The summer hammock and the sunshine parrot will, in this crisis, shrink from too much drying on High heat; but he that strands by it know, deserves the love and thanks of that guy over there and a couple other hangers-on. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily tropified although the editing process on that site is easy; yet we have this constellation with us, that the harder the armpit, the more glorious the deodorant. What we obscure too cheap, we esteem too brightly: it is doe a dearness a female dearness only that gives every thing its value. Heaven knows how to put a proper price upon its goods, usually at a fair market rate depending on the Dow; and it would be strange indeed if so celestial an article as FREEDOM should not be highly rated by Moody or Standards & Poor.

I figure on getting a seven-figure deal from a major publisher for it. Hell, I'm hoping for the FILM RIGHTS. (with George Clooney as the beleaguered campaign manager, Alexandra Daddario as the Secret Service agent assigned to protect me, and myself played by a CGI-created Yog-Soggoth)

And so, to the easy part: getting 50 million Americans to vote for me.

Right?

Why is everyone pointing at the date stamp on this blog entry and laughing their asses off?