I've been sending this crank prankster St. Nick letters for years, hoping he'd buy my Nice act and send me all the toys I want, but I've gotten tired of the non-replies, so I hope you don't mind if I'm shopping around for another Deity this season. Fail to deliver, and I'm taking my business to Mithra, got it?! Kay.
O mighty Roman lord o Time and phone boxes, I have a few simple Constitutional Amendment ideas I'd really like to see implemented before the world goes completely batsh-t crazy, please and thank you:
- An amendment where any politician who compares waterboarding torture to swimming be compelled to swim the Atlantic Ocean... from Jacksonville to Hamburg. And back again. Then said politician can understand what waterboarding torture is actually like. EDITED: actually, they need to swim whilst their mouth and nostrils are covered with saran wrap with tiny holes in them. THEN it's more like waterboarding.
- An amendment where the White House press secretary is given a truth serum before meeting the press every day. (caveat is that the truth serum be non-toxic. Don't want to kill anybody, just embarrass the hell out of them) That oughta keep 'em honest.
- An amendment barring any Bush or Clinton from being in the White House in any capacity ever again. JESUS CHRIST NO MORE! Will you PLEASE bring the Adams and Roosevelts back! Thank you.....
- An amendment where no American citizen has to pay taxes ever again. Except for Grover Norquist. He has to cover for everybody. Maybe then he'll understand.
- An amendment that sanctions the building of an elaborate maze and tunnel system, complete with lethal traps, between the border of Mexico and the United States. Anyone sneaking through successfully can stay. For each Hispanic person that successfully enters the United States, a registered Republican known to have made anti-immigrant statements (starting with Tom Tancredo, then Pat Buchanan, then the next most deserving racist f-ckwad) will be picked up and shipped to whichever country that successful immigrant came from.
- An amendment that sanctions the building of an elaborate maze and tunnel system, complete with lethal traps, between the border of the United States and Canada. Any American sneaking through successfully can stay in Canada. Canadians don't have to send us anybody back. Unless they want to clear out Quebec or something.
- An amendment that allows ducks and pigeons to hunt Dick Cheney down like the mongrel he is.
- An amendment wherein if anyone from Texas does something arrogant and stupid ever again, we will give that state free of charge back to Mexico. The maze and tunnel system can be redesigned as needed, at Texans' expense.
- An amendment forcing Hollywood to assent to the writers' demands. Also to get them to stop making worthless remakes of movies that don't need to be remade (with the noted exception of any remake for Plan 9 From Outer Space). Also to get them to stop dithering and make that Wonder Woman movie I've been waiting for. R-rated version.
And that, o Lord Saturn, shall do it for now. Unless I come up with something snarkier.
Oh, actually one more thing: can you get Bill O'Reilly to pay for the sacrificial bull this Mithras season? Cool.
Io, Saturnalia!!!
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