Monday, January 11, 2016

What I Want To Hear From President Obama's Final SOTU Speech

Update: Thanks again to Tengrain and the crew at Crooks & Liars for adding me to the Mike's Blog Round-Up today. How did I do with predicting the SOTU speech? Well, Obama didn't use the word "energetic" to describe the nation, did he? No, he did not. (openly cries). Also I missed the Dozens he dropped on Trump. Otherwise... Please do take the time to view the rest of the blog and see the other articles I've written, thank ye.

Tuesday night (tomorrow) will be Obama's last appearance before the whole floor of Congress - barring any special session - as President of the United States.

As such, I have high hopes - like before - for what we will likely get from a President who has demonstrated the last eight months he has no more f-cks to give.

1) "The state of our American union is ENERGETIC." I'm sick of using the word 'strong' every speech. It's called a thesaurus people, and they have them online and YOU STILL need to diversify your word usage, a'right? Yeah.

2) "To the National Shoot-Everybody Association, you know what? I'm going to play into your conspiracy bullsh-t about me coming to take all your guns. You terified about that? Fine. I AM GONNA COME TAKE YOUR GUNS. So there. I swear right here and now before 240 million American who wants universal background checks and stronger gun safety laws, that I will personally come and take all assault rifles and sidearms owned by all 4.5 million members of the NRA. And I will come and do this, you gun-worshiping death dealers, between the hours of 3:47 PM to 10:18 AM, just so that you paranoid f-ckers will miss half your work day, stay up all afternoon and all night long defending your metal gods of death and NEVER get any sleep in. So SUCK IT, Wayne LaPierre, you will never know the comfort of your own bed again."

3) "To the idiots holed up in a federal wildlife park in Oregon, did you think that thing through? You're doing it in winter, without fresh socks for God's sake, out in the middle of nowhere where I can get that secret Clinton death squad that owes me a few more favors to make it look like you all froze to death during a blizzard. All we gotta do is wait, suckers, and you will never know what hit you."

4) "To anybody who thinks that Trump's Wall isn't going to end up costing the United States TRILLIONS of dollars and ruin MILLIONS of American lives, you are getting conned by the biggest scam since Bernie Madoff."

5) "That said, you got a Powerball ticket for this Wednesday? Damn, the jackpot is gonna be up to 1.5 Billion for certain, even when you get only half of that in the lump sum payment that's a lot of money to spend on Lego Star Wars sets."

6) "It's been confirmed that there is NOT a special clause in the sales contract for the Wu-Tang's Once Upon a Time in Shaolin album that allows Wu-Tang and Bill Murray to steal it back within an 8-year time frame. However, if the Wu and Bill want to pull that heist, I will have pardons ready for them if they reclaim that vinyl disc and bring it safely to the Oval Office in person so we can party to it."

7) "I want to announce it here first that Cuba has agreed to full and open elections with a multi-party race, partial reparations to private property owners from the 1950s to help resolve that issue, and allowing Disney to build a Star Wars themed park in Gitmo. One of the last vestiges of the Cold War will end. That does mean we are going to need to move the remaining Gitmo prisoners to federal prisons here in the U.S. right away. We will do this, because man, when Disney wants a park built, they will get it. YOU DO NOT WANT TO F-CK WITH DISNEY. YOU DO NOT F-CK WITH DISNEY. They go after day care centers, for God's sake..."

8) "What's this I'm hearing about you Republicans wanting YET ANOTHER government shutdown? How many times you gonna break Congress with these shutdowns that cost MORE MONEY than what you're claiming to save before American voters realize that's ALL YOU DO up here is break sh-t?"

9) "If you crazies want some new Constitutional amendments up here, why not an amendment for universal voter registration so you all can't lie about voter fraud being a problem? Why not an amendment making it so that elections are required to stay open for voters until a confirmed super-majority of voters have done so, in order to combat terrible turnout for half our elections? Why not an amendment for better financial and banking regulation so we can reduce the threat of personal debt and financial instability? These are amendment ideas worth passing for the common good."

42) "What did I tell you last State of the Union about 2015? WE HAD SOME AWESOME MOVIES LAST YEAR! Age of Ultron, loved it. J.J.? That work you did on The Force Awakens, damn dawg you got mad skills, you made us love the series again. Daisy Ridley, you stole our hearts, all of America loves you and wishes you were the cool sister we deserved growing up. Okay, Jurassic World, at least you had dinosaurs fighting and that Star-Lord guy leading a pack of raptors. And, above all, I wasn't expecting Fury Road to be THAT EXCELLENT! That was... sniff... George Miller, my man, you are a visionary GOD carrying each and every one of us to the gates of Valhalla. And so here we are, we got Captain America Civil War coming, we got another X-Men, we got a sick Deadpool coming out, we got a female Ghostbusters, we got a Trek movie for the 50th anniversary of the whole thing, we got Batman and Superman and I gotta say it looks like Gal Gadot is gonna kick ass as Wonder Woman. I will say it again, this is a great time to be alive as a geek! GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATES, AND LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! (sprays mouth with silver food coloring) WITNESS IT!"

You think we can at least get one Force Awakens shout-out? I'm hoping.

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