I Have An Alibi

Today has been totally abuzz about the mass-pipe-bombs-in-the-mail story (via Mary Olmstead at Slate):

A string of suspicious packages addressed to prominent Democratic figures and at least one news outlet have been discovered by the Secret Service in recent days. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been among the intended recipients of the devices, some of which have been identified as pipe bombs. Here is what we know so far:

The first suspicious package was discovered Monday in the mailbox of well-known liberal donor and philanthropist George Soros’ home in Bedford, New York, authorities said. After a caretaker found the device, a bomb squad detonated it. Authorities described the device as a six-inch-long pipe filled with explosive powder and rigged with a detonator. Federal authorities said they believed the device was hand-delivered, according to the New York Times.

On Wednesday morning, news broke that the Secret Service had intercepted an explosive device addressed to Hillary and Bill Clinton in Westchester County, New York, where they have a home. Soon after, the Secret Service also revealed it had found a device addressed to Barack Obama in Washington, D.C, where he lives. The packages were discovered as part of a routine mail screening, according to a statement, and no one was harmed...

CNN got a package just as they were reporting the stories on the earlier packages. Say hello to the madness of 24/7 Instant Terror Strikes. The CNN pipe was addressed to ex-CIA chief John Brennan, who happens to be 1) a major anti-Trump critic and 2) working at MSNBC, so we're definitely dealing with moronic bombers here.

Anyway:

A fourth suspicious package was reportedly found at the Florida office of Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz, a former Democratic National Committee chairwoman. NBC News has reported that the suspicious packages sent to Soros, the Clintons, and Obama listed Wasserman Schultz for the return address. CNN reported that the package found at Wasserman Schultz’s office might have actually been intended for former Attorney General Eric Holder: According to CNN, a suspicious package was addressed to Holder, but it was addressed incorrectly and rerouted to the return address. NBC has also reported that Secret Service intercepted a package addressed to Holder, but it is unclear if the two reports are about the same package.

Additional targets seem to be Rep. Maxine Waters, a prominent House Democrat, with the likelihood others may be getting these packages due to delivery methods of the USPS (the Postal Service is currently working to find out if any similar packages are still shipping). The reports note that all of the packages had Wasserman Schultz's address as the return address.

So here's what we know:

1) Bomber(s) specifically wanted Debbie Wasserman Schultz to be the scapegoat.

2) He/She/It can't SPELL worth a damn (spelled Florids...? worst misspell of Florida since 2000) and has no idea where people actually work.

3) Targeted all the major names - not just political figures like Obama and Clintons but also the media critics as well as Soros - routinely mentioned by the Far Right as "enemies" that need eliminating.

4) Bomber(s) had the time and ability - and also the money - to build multiple bombs and then ship them all out at the same time (and at least travel in-person to deliver a select few). With a chance there are MORE of these bombs out there.

5) This is more speculative than fact, but: Bomber(s) may not have sent working bombs: it's a bit surprising none of the pipe bombs have gone off, especially the ones that reportedly were hand-delivered (those are the ones you KNOW you want to go off but are afraid of blowing up in shipment and killing an innocent).

The Far Right are running around claiming this is all a "fake news" attempt by Liberals to label Republicans as mad bomber terrorists just as the midterm elections are reaching Election Day (AKA the "October Surprise" period). Problem is, the simplest explanation is usually the most likely: The simplest explanation is that one of trump's raving supporters in a Red MAGA hat has bought into trump's rhetoric against Democrats and media critics and took the next step towards "action".

Using Wasserman Schultz as the "sender" suggests the bomber(s) has/have a personal grudge against her: the only ones on the Far Left who would do that would be the BernieBro crowd who blamed her for "conspiring" with Hillary to stop Sanders from winning the 2016 primaries. But it would make little or no sense for them to send pipe bombs to still-popular figures like Obama or to prominent trump critics like Brennan. Did any Bernie supporters openly blame Soros for their losses? I don't recall. When it comes to Soros, *his* biggest attackers are ALL on the Far Right.

When you look at the list of targets we know of right now - Hillary (and Bill), Soros, Obama, Brennan, Waters, Holder - they are all the major stars of every Far Right conspiracy theory floating out there. That the bomber(s) come from that world is the solution that makes the most sense.

As for myself, I swear I have nothing to do with any of this. My schemes are more complex, I'd never be so stupid as to use the SAME name on an address, and my real plans involve... uh... wait a second... ooooh, you sly dogs, you almost got me monologing!

I was busy today proctoring an exam for a city hire. That's my excuse and I'M STICKING TO IT.

Update: I TOLD YOU I HAVE AN ALIBI. Dammit, STOP SNIFFING AROUND OPA-LOCKA! I mean, um, ahem, I've never been to Opa-Locka I swear...