Amendments Wish List 2006

Tis the season to worship mass production and mass consumption. Um, wait.

Tis the season to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas and do the Snoopy dance to that wicked awesome jazz score. Ah, better.

And now, for my note to Sanity Clause.

Dear Santa:

I have been extra good this year and voted to make Katherine Harris pine for the days of 2000. I hope all is well at the North Pole and that you're planning a sweet vacation to Jamaica when December 26 rolls around.

I hope it's alright if I send you a wish list of amendments I'd like to see passed by this new Congress and sent around to the states for ratification. A lot of these are ones I know are kinda frivilous, but if passed they could really improve our lives in subtle and moving ways.

• I'd like an amendment that anyone making accusations of others acting in a treasonous fashion without hard evidence as required by the Constitution be ever after labeled a douchebag, even to where such label gets put on that person's driver's license, resume, business card, phone listing, blog, byline, what have you. Hello, Limbaugh/O'Reilly/Coulter/Malkin/Savage/God knows how many other right wingnuts out there. you're gonna have to find other ways of insulting liberals, moderates, progressives, libertarians, antiwar supporters, basically the 60 percent and growing population out there...
• I'd like an amendment that anyone decrying 'San Francisco Values' be forced to travel to Colma, the Necropolis of San Francisco, and pay their respects to the Emperor Norton. Afterwards, that person will be required to eat Rice-A-Roni the San Franciso Treat for the rest of his/her natural life.
• A neat amendment would be a requirement that all organized team sports that sells tickets for persons to attend their games use a postseason playoff system of no less than 4 teams. While this won't do a thing to nearly every team sport out there, this will finally force the NCAA to get rid of that godawful B(C)S system and go with a playoff system that would really settle the college football national champion issue ONCE AND FOR ALL. Sheesh. P.S. Go Gators. Actually, this year, Go Boise State! Stay undefeated and claim the title when Florida whomps Ohio State...
• An amendment to get Esquire magazine editors to admit they don't worship Jennfier Connelly for her eyebrows, but for her breasts.
• An amendment to make all Beltway talking heads to relocate to Billings Montana and work the weekly farm reports after 4 years of service. There ought to be a term limit for media hogs more so than for politicans. At least we can vote out the idiot pols.
• An amendment to make Hugh Hefner date a woman the same age he is. Or at least mix his harem with brunettes. Dammit man, all those blondes, you're gonna go blind from the peroxide shine!
• An amendment to make Dennis Miller funny again.
• An amendment to get Tom Tancredo to say those things about Miami right in the middle of Little Havana.
• An amendment requiring that the political party that votes with greater numbers for a war have its college-level supporters go fight that war.
• An amendment changing our national anthem from 'Star Spangled Banner' to 'Theme from Shaft.' Oh cmon, the Olympics will get that much funkier.
• An amendment allowing people to have their cable companies and satellite dish providers allow them to pick and choose which channels to have sent into their homes. That means you can trade in a worthless network like FOX News for something more relevant like, oh, the Anime Network (um, have they gotten Girls Bravo yet?).

And Santa, oh please let me have this one amendment idea for sure this Christmas time:

• An amendment making Bill O'Reilly celebrate Mithras instead of Christmas. He'll have to pay for his own bull to sacrifice, too.