It Has To Be Done: GOP Debate Drinking Game 2016 Edition

(Update 10/15/2015: there is now an October drinking game in place, please link over to that, danke)

(Update 8/30/2015: Final note to everyone still looking.  I'm posting a September drinking game for the GOP Sept. 16 debate that I just finished and linked here.  I can't hide or shut down this page, which I figure is still gonna get views thanks to the search engine algorithms out there, but hey the September rules are up now please get drunk using that.  And Pinku-Sensei has the drink orders you can use...
I am now convinced this is not a clown-car race, this 2016 campaign is an endurance test for people's livers.  In the interest of fairness I hope to get a Democratic drinking game up before their October debate.  Meanwhile, keep checking the blog for all the other stuff I'm writing.)

(Note: Getting some traffic for this entry, so I see a need to update with fresher drinking rules as the gaffes pile up...  
Update to the Note: if anybody has a suggestion for a drinking rule to this game, by all means add it via Comment below or else tweet me @PaulWartenberg okay?  
Revision to the Update to the Note: I F-CKING LOVE YOU GUYS visiting my place.  
Addendum to the Revision to the Update to the Note: Now it turns out even Lindsey Graham is encouraging the use of drink during debate viewing: "Well, when I’m in the first debate, which is the ‘Happy Hour Debate,’ at five o’clock, start drinking. By nine o’clock, Donald may make sense to you, if you drink enough." - Graham.
Correction of the Addendum to the Revision to the Update to the Note: It's Tuesday evening (8/4/15) and Fox Not-News has announced the final cut!  TWO DAYS, SHEEPLE!  More below, including changes to the lineup and some additional drinking rules!)
Also Wik: Crazy Eddie's Motie News has custom-designed drinks specific to Trump, and we are promised custom drinks for each of the other debators, so check that place for updates as well.  Big shout-out to Pinku-Sensei!
Also Also Wik to Everything Above and Below and On This Blog: Final word from Pinku-Sensei is that the other candidates' drink orders are on the Crazy Eddie site now!
OKAY AMERICA, IT'S UP TO YOU NOW.  Just remember, DRINK RESPONSIBLY and be wise when selecting your Designated Driver!  The drinking rules are below, I hope you've found a nice selection of lagers and brews, and be sure to tip your bartender/wait staff ('cause that was something Mitt Romney never did, the cheap bastid)!
Just so you know, I am only accountable for 3189 of you getting drunk tonight (total official number of article visitors).  For the remaining 284 million Americans and countless others overseas of legal drinking age, I am not your alibi.  So there. ;)

So this came up.  Oliver Willis of Like Kryptonite To Stupid and contributor to Media Matters brought up how Jeb Bush's campaign was selling watch party tickets for about $2700.00 (!) and I joked about how it would be cheaper to just stay at home to watch, order $40 in pizzas and sit around with drunk friends mocking the whole shindig.  Then this idea came up:

Yeah, I'm kinda thinking up a few rules for a drinking game meself.  And I don't drink alcoholic beverages, and even I'm thinking about how to get drunk enough to watch the coming circus act.

So, the drinking rules to the August 6th Republican Debate for the 2016 Presidential Nomination shall be thus:

IN GENERAL

• If any candidate talks about meeting Ronald Reagan in person, take a drink.
• If any candidate talks about kneeling before St. Ronnie and asking for his blessing to serve the cause as THE CHOSEN ONE, take two drinks.
• If any candidate shares a passage from his erotic Reagan fanfiction involving light bondage and tax cuts (we live in a Fifty Shades world now), throw bottle at screen.
• If any candidate praises Fox Not-News for "honesty and credibility", throw bottle at screen.
• If any candidate tries to out-pander Trump, take a drink. This also applies to Trump, who is allowed within the rules to pander as much as inhumanly possible.
• If any candidate says nice things about Jon Stewart and suggests Jon shouldn't retire this year from the Daily Show, quit drinking and stay sober because you've just witnessed the impossible.
• (Update: from @word_34 aka SkarkWeekSneak) "Hillary" "email" or "server", you have to do double shots.  Throw in "Benghazi" here too.
• (Update) If any candidate accuses Obama of being the Worst President Ever, throw a dart at a photo of Dubya taped to the wall and take two drinks.
• (Update) If any candidate calls for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, take a drink.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of Planned Parenthood staffers, take two drinks.  If the candidate calls for the arrest of women who go to Planned Parenthood even for basic women's health care needs, turn off the TV and get stinking drunk because the Republicans are pretty much writing off the women's vote even in Red States.
• (Update) If any candidate calls for the impeachment of Barack Obama over:
  Executive orders, take two drinks;
  The Iran treaty, take six drinks in honor of the other nation signatories;
  Disrespecting Congress, take seven drinks for each year Obama's had to deal with their sh-t;
  Being an illegal Marxist Muslim Kenyan, finish whole bottle.

FOR SPECIFIC CANDIDATES
(Update: As of Tuesday August 4th we know the ten contestants on the next "Prience Is Right Drunk!"  The names are in order of the Fox Rankings)

For Donald Trump: 

• If Trump says something insulting, take a drink.
• If Trump says something demonstrably false, take a drink.
• Actually, don't do either.  The second he opens his mouth under those rules, you're pretty much gonna be passed out by the fifth minute of the debate.
• If Trump says he respects Latinos and can easily win their votes, take two drinks from any Dos Equis brand in front of you and laugh your ass off.
• If Trump complains about China in any way, take the Made In China tab on any Trump-labeled designer wear and tear it off, then take a drink.

For Jeb Bush:

• If Jeb says nice things about his brother's administration, take two drinks - one for Dubya and one for Cheney - and yell at the screen.
• If Jeb brings up school vouchers, take three drinks.
• If Jeb says there shouldn't be immigration reform, drink whole bottle.
• If Jeb says Obama is a terrible foreign policy President, take a drink from every bottle made by the 2003 Coalition of the Willing, and then vomit on a picture of Bush the Elder. Please have towels and trash cans handy. 

For Scott Walker:

• If Walker brings up his union-busting habits, take a drink.
• If Walker brings up his recall survivial, take two drinks.
• If Walker brings up how he squashed his John Doe investigation, drink whole bottle.
• If Walker tries wearing a Packer Cheesehead foam hat, drink from a Chicago microbrewery label and shout "DA BEARS".
• If Walker calls himself a "job creator", throw bottle at screen.

For Mike Huckabee:

• If Huckabee claims he's a strong judge of character, scream "you hang out with child molesters!" and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee talks about jamming with Ted "I Worship My God-Gun" Nugent, take two drinks and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee tries to compare anything to the Holocaust, light a memorial candle and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee tries to talk about stricter prison laws, or looser law enforcement rules to "fight crime", take a drink for every cop who died because of his asinine pardons as governor (5, at last count) and throw bottle at screen.
• If Huckabee appears on the screen, throw bottle at screen.

For Ben Carson:

• If Carson gets a non-Obamacare question, take a drink.
• If Carson actually answers a non-Obamacare question with a reasonable-sounding policy suggestion, drink whole bottle.
• If Carson talks like he's taken notes from Rick Perry, take three drinks.

For Ted Cruz:

• If Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, drink whole bottle.
• If Cruz says anything about the legislation he's nuked in the House - while serving as a SENATOR - take a drink.
• If Cruz employs oratory tools that rely heavily on the teachings and practices of Cicero and Pericles, take two drinks.
• If Cruz not only panders on the issue of a Government Shutdown over Planned Parenthood, but also claims to have locked every door to the Capitol Building and threw away the key just to make certain, drink whole bottle.
• If Cruz fails to joke about Obama being born in Kenya, drink the entire bottle of whatever Canadian brand is in front of you and throw empty bottle at the Calgarian Candidate.

For Marco Rubio:

• If Rubio talks about his exaggerated family story where his parents fled Cuba well before Castro took it over, take a drink. 
• If Rubio speaks against the opening of relations with Cuba, take two drinks.
• If Rubio finishes the whole night without saying one word about immigration, finish off the bottle.
• If Rubio any says anything in Espanol, drink whole bottle.

For Rand Paul:

• If Paul mentions the gold standard, take a drink.
• If Paul discusses the need to end American interventionist activity, take a drink.
• If Paul still says we need to bomb Syria though, take four drinks.
• If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (in legal states only).
• If Paul revs up a chainsaw, switch the TV over to Evil Dead II and watch a real expert - BRRRRRUUUUUUCCCEEEEEEE! - wield one.

For Chris Christie:

• If Christie tries to quote Springsteen, throw bottle at screen.
• If Christie tries to punch somebody on stage, take a drink.
• If Christie tries to punch one of the debate moderators, take three drinks.
• If Christie tries to punch a teacher in the audience, finish whole bottle.
• If Christie gets arrested during the debate over his ethics failures and dragged off-stage, drink whole bottle.

For John Kasich:

• If Kasich is even on the stage, take two drinks right off the bat because it probably means Christie got arrested beforehand and there was an opening.  Okay, it looks like Laughing Boy from Dayton made it.  Go ahead, Ohio, take a drink right off the bat.
• If Kasich talks about immigration reform, take a drink.
• If Kasich defends his time working for Lehman Brothers, throw bottle at screen.
• If Kasich mentions how he was with the bipartisan team that got a balanced budget going in Congress back in the 1990s, take a drink and pity the poor guy because he just used the word 'bipartisan' in front of a GOP primary crowd that considers it a trigger word.

The rest of the list is now set aside for the sad, doomed players who got played.  There's still a debate taking place between this sorry lot, so if anybody wants to get an early buzz on before the Main Event, you're happy to apply these to your wasted afternoon.
WELCOME TO THE HAPPY HOUR BREW KREWE, YOU FEW!

For Rick Perry:

• If Perry flubs a debate answer (again), take three drinks.
• If Perry says anything about a "Texas miracle" involving that state's economy, take a drink, and then prepare to pass out because that's all he's got.
• If Perry keeps looking over his shoulder, gazing into the distance, sighing repeatedly like a poor child missing his favorite roller coaster ride, take a sympathy drink.

For Rick Santorum:

• If Santorum is even on the stage, it means Rick Perry got lost on the way to the auditorium, so take three drinks right away in honor of Perry.   Oops, Perry's gonna be standing right next to him.
• If Santorum mentions gay marriage as the cause of all natural disasters, take a drink.  If the rule was to drink whole bottle, you'll end up dead from toxic effects (even if you substituted water! True story).
• If Santorum mentions man-on-dog marriage as legal now, kiss Fluffy and take a drink.
• If Santorum asks people to stop Googling his name, finish whole bottle.
• If Santorum brings up the fact he won primaries in 2012 and DAMMIT he deserves better than getting seated at the little kids' table, take a drink for every primary he won (11).

For Bobby Jindal:

• Seriously?
• No, really, seriously?
• He's getting the Happy Hour invite, which isn't going to be too happy for him.  And for all he'd done to try and wipe out Planned Parenthood in his own state, tsk tsk.
• If Jindal ever openly begs Grover Norquist to end his misery, take a drink.

For Carly Fiorina:

• Seriously?  I just can't even give you a snarky answer because you lost your only other campaign attempt.  At least with Carson and Trump they're gonna qualify for the debate, but... Seriously, no, sorry Carly, this is it.
• If Fiorina tries to bring up her California Senatorial campaign - which failed, miserably - take a drink.

For Lindsey Graham:

• This is where the rules of "top 10 polled" gets ridiculous.  Experienced politicians who paid their dues like Graham, disagree with them or not, it's not fair for them to sit out while amateurs like Trump and Carson get the spotlight.
• If by the off-chance Graham makes the Big Dance, if he argues for bombing half the Middle East as a means of convincing our enemies and allies of our manhood, take a drink, break out a map, and start crossing off the NATO allies that are going to stop taking calls from our State Department.
• If Graham riffs off his earlier joke about drinking heavily to watch these debates, toast him for his sincerity at the least.
• If Graham refers to this drinking game, finish the bottle, 'cause damn.

For George Pataki:

• Who?
• If even he shows up at the door with ID proving he can get on stage for the 5:00 round, take a drink.

For Jim Gilmore:

• Bro, dude, seriously?  NOW you're putting in for this?  Bro.  THERE ARE NO SEATS LEFT IN THE GOP CLOWN CAR.  There are LIMITS even to the Clown Car.  Even *I* know Kasich was late getting into the game.  What are YOU drinking, Jim, to make you think you can even get in on this?  /headdesk
• If he shows up in a clown outfit, just so he can pretend he belongs there, throw bottle at the screen.

This is it, folks.  We are less than TWO DAYS AWAY from the third-best sales day for alcoholic breweries across the globe we will see in our lifetimes!

And this is, again, coming from a guy who don't drink.  I will be the only Designated Driver left standing after 10:00 PM EDT.