Breaking News: New Candidates Announce For the 2024 Republican Primary Campaigns

In breaking news this weekend, various individuals have stepped up to announce their intentions to run as Presidential candidates for the Republican Party in the coming 2024 election cycle.

Across the United States, figures such as former investor Michael Milken, alleged Genovese crime family boss Liborio "Barney" Bellomo, and the desiccated corpse of Ponzi scheme financier Bernie Madoff appeared before reporters to confirm they were each filing paperwork with the Republican National Committee to have their names placed on the primary ballots in 2024.

Milken, best known for promoting "junk bonds" as an investment scheme during the 1980s before facing criminal indictments and pleading guilty to numerous counts of securities fraud, informed his audience at his philanthropy offices in Los Angeles that "All things considered, what I know about my good friend Donald Trump, I can certainly perform better than he has, I can certainly commit more acts of fraud and embezzling and Emoluments violations while in office than he can, and hell if I need another pardon I can always issue myself one."

Milken continued with a thumbs up gesture to his unpaid audience of volunteers and interns working for college credit. "If the Republican voting base are THIS happy to vote for an indicted con artist and tax cheat, well damn this is a crowd of suckers I can play to. Have at it, America!"

Meanwhile in New York, Bellomo appeared in front of the Bleecker Street Pizzeria with a group of supporters and various cast extras from the current hit show "Tulsa King" to announce his intentions to "better represent the ladies, gentlemen and working classes of New York City in ways this loser Trump guy never could."

"I mean, c'mon, look at this wannabe pretender to being a crime boss, he keeps relying on the worst mob lawyers and bagmen I've ever seen," Bellomo noted to the cheers of his audience. "If America wants a Mafioso running this nation, then why not call on the guys who actually know how? Trust me, people, I can run things, I know how to grease wheels, keep things running, I don't discriminate, hell I work with Russian and Chinese and Mexican gangs all the time, and I get things done. You don't see things blowing up on my watch, well except for that little thing in Philly, but if you ask me about that I'll deny it, I got an alibi I swear."

"My guys are getting the signatures we need as I speak," Bellomo concluded, with thumbs up towards the crowd. "We're getting on the ballots, and then we'll see who America respects more, a real Mob boss or one who tries to play one on Fox News! Let's go!"

Meanwhile at the prison cemetery in North Carolina where Bernie Madoff was buried while serving a 150-year sentence for running the largest Ponzi Scheme in world history, reporters watched as Madoff crawled his way out of a tomb with noticeable physical decay since his death in 2021. Once Madoff reached the podium he had this to say.

"Brrraaaaiiinnsss. Brains. More brains... I... more... Cough, excuse me, I just woke up, I'll need some braaaaaiiiinnnnnss to get going. Still and all, I got more brrrrrraaaaaaaiiiinnnssss than Donald Trump. I got more bbbbbbbbbraaaaaaaainsssssssss than Trump's entire legal team. I need the brrrraaaaiiinnnsss of every Republican voter to feed me, and if they're stupid enough to vote for a convicted criminal, they might as well offer up their brrrrrraaaaiiiiinnnnsssss to the guy who did it longer and bigger and richer than that loser."

Madoff attempted to do a thumbs up pose for the cameras only to have his thumb pop off. "So if America wants a crook, better vote for the best crook of them all! And offer me your brrrraaaiiiiinnnssss!" He then proceeded to chase after the reporters at the event, feeling their craniums for brain size and then rejecting them in disgust.

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Seriously, this isn't as lame-brained an April Fools as you might think. If crooked donald trump is still getting a majority of Republican voters to worship him, then this is the quality of candidates we should expect out of Republicans for the foreseeable future.