If the Republicans are gonna have a debate every month leading up into the primary season, might as well update the GOP Debate Drinking Game every month as well.
I know people won't stop visiting the August one - given search engine algorithms - but I hope this September one lives up to expectations.
At least Crazy Eddie will have your specialty drink orders lined up on the Motie blog. He's got special ones for Trump, but I would recommend getting Mexican brews just to spite Teh Donald. It's your call. Just remember, I don't drink I'm just the designated driver around these parts.
Here are the ground rules about drinking:
1. Respect your liver. Have the decency to pass out before you drink to death.
2. Choose a designated driver to make sure you can get home safe. Also have buckets and towels ready for any vomiting.
3. Get your declaration of love for your friendly toilet bowl done while you're sober. Make sure the crawl path between your chair and that toilet is free of any sharp objects that can cut your kneecaps.
4. Even if you drink only water for this game, be aware that too much water is toxic.
5. Do not be surprised if something insane, insulting, and inconceivable not even covered by this drinking game happens during debate night. Nobody had Trump going after Megyn Kelly (or her attacking him with pointed questions) the way he did this August. Just be prepared for some serious xenophobia, librul-bashing, and the slight possibility that the Republican Party establishment leaders are drinking more than you.
So, for the debate set at The Ronald Reagan Worship Temple of Passive-Positive Conservatism for this Wednesday September 16: THE REPUBLICAN PRE-PRIMARY "2015 IS TOO EARLY TO CAMPAIGN DAMMIT" DRINKING GAME (be prepared for Updates as situations change, by the way)
- If any candidate talks about meeting Ronald Reagan in person, take a drink.
- (Update) If any candidate talks about being invited to the Reagan Library so that St. Ronnie could anoint him/her as THE CHOSEN ONE, take two drinks. If the candidate points to the exact spot it took place, add a drink.
- (Update) If any candidate shows his/her own library card for the Reagan Library, take a drink. If Nancy Reagan or the Library Director comes on stage with a receipt showing fifty dollars or more of overdue fines and lost returns, take a drink for every ten dollars of overdues, and take three drinks for every lost book.
- (Update) If all sixteen candidates perform a Black Mass to summon the demonic form of Reagan in his Hall of Power, to smite all and bring about the apocalypse, drink whole bottle and barricade the doors and windows.
- (Update) If any candidate praises Fox Not-News for "honesty and credibility" even though THIS debate is Live on CNN, throw bottle at screen.
- If any candidate tries to out-pander Trump, take a drink. This also applies to Trump, who is allowed within the rules to pander as much as inhumanly possible.
- (From @word_34 aka SkarkWeekSneak) If "Hillary" "email" or "server" are mentioned in the same sentence, you have to do double shots. Throw in "Benghazi" here too.
- (Update) If a foreign policy matter that DOESN'T involve war drumming or trade boycotts even comes up as a debate topic, drink whole bottle in surprise.
- If any candidate accuses Obama of being the Worst President Ever, throw a dart at a photo of Dubya taped to the wall and take two drinks.
- If any candidate calls for the defunding of Planned Parenthood, take a drink. If the candidate calls for the arrest of Planned Parenthood staffers, take two drinks. If the candidate calls for the arrest of women who go to Planned Parenthood even for basic women's health care needs, turn off the TV and get stinking drunk because the Republicans are pretty much writing off the women's vote even in Red States.
- If any candidate calls for the impeachment of Barack Obama over:
Executive orders, take two drinks;
The Iran treaty, take six drinks in honor of the other nation signatories;
Disrespecting Congress, take seven drinks for each year Obama's had to deal with their sh-t;
Being an illegal Marxist Muslim Kenyan, finish whole bottle.
(Update) The way Obama ties his shoelaces, even though Obama wears loafers, finish whole bottle.
And now, to the specific doom-bringers by order of the most current polling track. CNN will follow Fox Not-News guidelines of having the top ten polled on the big stage (so this list will get a cut-off set during the final Update) with the survivors clinging to hope during an earlier round of debates, but is offering near-equal coverage otherwise. New drink rules for each one will be established, although the good funny ones from August may roll over:
- Just take a drink already. It doesn't matter what he says because whatever it is will drain the soul and break the heart. When he speaks, just BOOM one shot, slam the glass / bottle down on the table, and wait for the next one.
- If Trump describes The Trump Wall in any detail, take two drinks. If he uses the word "classy" as part of the description, add a drink.
- If Trump attacks the moderator verbally for what he feels is an insulting question or directed barb, take a drink. If Trump disparages the moderator's gender, take two drinks. If Trump expresses disdain for the moderator's fashion sense, finish off the bottle.
- If Trump describes Nancy as a "classy broad," just sit there flummoxed because it'll be a clue that TRUMP has been drinking before getting on-stage.
- If Carson or anyone else mentions how he's gotten to the Number Two spot behind Trump in the polls despite the fact he's got no legislative or administrative experience at all, take a drink. If they try to describe this as a GOOD thing - the anti-government belief that experience in governance is actually BAD - drink whole bottle.
- If Carson correctly names the capital of Uzbekistan (it's Tashkent), take a drink. If any other candidate fails to name a nation's capital, salute Carson for actually working on his foreign policy homework.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Mexican-Americans, take a drink.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Asian-Americans, take a drink.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Puerto Ricans who are already Americans thanks to laws passed in 1917(!), take a drink.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Canadian-Americans, laugh mercilessly at Ted Cruz and take two drinks.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Czech-Americans, call up a Hebrew mystic, forge a golem using Rabbi Loeb's methods, then have the golem take a drink 'cause buddy he needs it.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Native Americans, sober up damn quick 'cause that sh-t ain't funny.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Greek-Americans, start the rioting in the streets of Tarpon Springs FL with mass burnings of Jeb! in effigy, then take a drink.
- If Jeb! accidentally uses the term "anchor babies" to describe Italian, Irish, German, French, Swedish, Norwegian, Dutch, Polish, or any other Euro-Americans, you're probably passed out at that point because he's run out of ethnic groups to insult.
- If Rubio quits the stage and flies straight to Cuba because he can't take this stupid electoral process serious anymore, drink whole bottle.
- If Rubio charges that flight to the RNC's credit card, start another bottle and finish that off.
- I still think it's possible if Cruz attempts to suck the soul or eat the heart of Donald Trump live on-stage, you should drink whole bottle.
- If Cruz merely attempts to fellatio Trump on-stage instead, take two drinks and spit.
- If Cruz talks about Rorschach being his favorite comic book character, cry into your drink first before finishing the whole thing off.
- If Walker tries to say anything along the lines of "I have no strong feelings about that issue one way or the other," take a drink.
- If Walker tries to say anything along the lines of "I'll support whatever the other candidates support," cook a Belgian Waffle, eat the waffle, throw the waffle maker at the TV screen, then drink whole bottle.
- If Carly brings out a bouquet of flowers sent to her by Roger Ailes and puts it on the podium, take a drink.
- If Carly talks about the need for a strong business executive with a track record of success to serve as President, remove her from the stage and replace her with eBay's Margaret Whitman.
- If Carly talks about mutant wolf-sheep, drink whole bottle.
- If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment, take a drink.
- If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment while discussing foreign policy matters, take two drinks.
- If Kasich talks about a balanced budget amendment during an argument over which teams are likely to play in this year's World Series, slap the man and finish off bottle. Then again, neither the Reds nor the Indians are in playoff contention so...
- If Huckabee says one damn word about his "ability" to judge morality in others, scream JOSH DUGGAR at the top of your lungs and throw every bottle at the screen.
- If this f-cking Pharisee even tries to play the holier-than-thou crap on-stage, throw every intact bottle at the screen again.
- If Paul lights up a blunt on-stage, do the same (California's legit to light up, yeah?)
- If Paul uses a bong shaped like Reagan's head, take three tokes.
- If Paul shares any of his Ayn Rand/Robert Heinlein fanfic from college, put that roll out and stop laughing. Bro, dude, I said stop. Yo, it hehe ain't that hehaho funny oh no hehehahaha the second-hand smoke's cough cough hahahaha is getting to me...
- If Christie talks about his sex life again, puke your guts out.
- This never gets old: If Perry flubs a debate answer (again), take three drinks.
- If Perry openly wonders where the hell his deep-pocket Texan friends are while his campaign shuts down due to running out of non-SuperPAC funds, laugh and take three drinks.
- If Santorum punches out any Google executives in the audience during the debate, take two drinks.
- If Jindal openly admits he's pandering his heart out to get even a hearty handshake from someone, ANYONE, shout back at the screen "Go ask Grover" and take a drink.
- If Jindal pulls out a remote detonator and threatens to blow up a Louisiana Planned Parenthood office right there on the stage, call the FBI on him for terrorist activity and take a drink.
- If Lindsay talks about her upcoming work schedule such as a new pop album and hopes of a Hollywood comeback, you've got the wrong Lindsey on your channel so switch it over from TMZ back to CNN.
- If Lindsey talks about his upcoming work schedule of shutting down the government over the Iran treaty, take a drink and switch it back to TMZ.
George Pataki and Jim Gilmore
- Dudes. No invite. Go home.
Whew. I need a drink after writing all that.
If anyone has suggestions for rules, please pass them along in the Comments area or if that's not working to tweet me @PaulWartenberg as long as it's at least 48 hours before the debate begins so I can make sure everything's in order. Danke.
And when it's all said and done, wake me up when September ends.