What I Want to Hear from President Biden's First State of the Union Speech

So it's over 100 days into President Biden's term of office, and House Speaker Pelosi sent the invite to Biden to appear before Congress (and members of the Supreme Court) to give his first national prime-time speech about the state of the nation, such as our ongoing vaccination efforts to end the threat of COVID as well as ongoing and future plans to get our economy rolling post-pandemic.

To which I would make a few suggestions as to what I hope to hear from Joe Biden this Wednesday night:

1. "My fellow Americans, the state of the union is VIGOROUS. Or 'Able-Bodied'. Let's try 'Strapping', no no too sexy, wait how about Hard As Nails! Hmm, I will draw the line at 'Tenacious'. No, I will NOT say 'Strong', I'm sick of hearing it, we need to add more words to our political vocabulary, it's called a thesaurus people, break it out once in a while!" 

2. I want to hear Biden apologize to Generation X for promoting Dokken over the likes of Night Ranger, Guns N Roses, or Skid Row.

3. "And a shout-out to Tucker Carlson, who should be told that filing false parental abuse claims in many states is grounds for felony arrest for the accusers. Good luck in jail, pal."

4. "It should be the policy of the United States of America to fight injustice everywhere, to which my administration will be enacting national policies to reform our city, county, and state police departments to reduce brutality towards our unarmed citizenry, and push for stronger civilian oversight of those departments to reduce abuses and improve our nation's trust in the institutions we need to keep the peace."

5. Biden's new tax plan of any person earning over $250,000 a year either in income or capital gains be taxed $1,000,000 each time said person acts like an asshole and refuse to put money in the tip jar at any of the local Starbucks.

6. Seriously though, Biden needs to confirm that taxes are going to go up on the 1-2 percent of highest incomes in the country to help pay for that massive infrastructure plan our nation needs.

7. "And even though I come from Delaware, my love of American sports is such that I will sign an executive order forcing the NFL to sell the San Diego Chargers to a local coalition of stock holders similar to the Green Bay setup, because FUCK the greedheads who moved the Chargers to an L.A. city that still hasn't accepted them. Chargers are San Diego, dammit, and that's the way things ought to be."

8. "Also, new rule: every Oscars Best Picture nominee list should include at least one superhero movie regardless of its comics 'verse, be it DC or Marvel or Dark Horse or Image or other, as long as that movie stars either Chris Evans, Chris Hemsworth, Gal Gadot, or any of the guys and gals who played Doctor Who."

And in closing: "Get to it, people. We got shit to do. AMERICA, TRANSFORM AND ROCK OUT!" (leaves the stage to the Night Ranger song "You Can Still Rock In America")