Friday, April 01, 2016

Breaking News

In breaking news this morning, the major news networks all agreed unilaterally to not cover any one damn bit of this 2016 Presidential cycle.

To quote one prime time producer from CNN, "I mean, c'mon. Look at the date. It's April First. Is there anything crazy we can report on that anybody would believe was a real news story? No. So why bother? This season has been crazier than a Florida Man on a Wednesday naked road trip to a strip club bingo night."

When reached for comment, Rachol Meddow* growled at the cameraman and pulled the bedsheets over her head, shouting "Damn you, non-stop press coverage of increasingly deranged campaigns! I JUST WANNA SLEEP AND DREAM OF HAPPY LLAMAS."

A reporter from C-Span refused to comment on-air, instead giving a statement through handwritten notes passed under the bathroom door that read "No more coverage. No more crazy from that one campaign. You know who. I'm sick of his egomania and incoherent ranting. I haven't taken a proper sh-t in days."

"Are you kidding? We need this break," emailed Olevia J. Nozzi** from an undisclosed location we later found out was a seaside rest spa. "I can't take it anymore. Especially that one campaign. I won't even say his name, we gave him so much coverage and all he does is come up with the craziest unbelievable outrage and nonsense we end up shaking our heads at. I mean, we could report him quitting the race to go raise a llama farm in Utah or something and nobody would believe us."

She added in a follow-up email "And his followers, ugh. Half the time I'm terrified they're going use me for pinata practice, the other half of the time I can't interview them because they're foaming at the mouth and ready to bite someone. So much freaking stress. So screw it, we're taking the day off."

Shap Smithee*** reportedly unplugged the camera of the team sent to interview him, and without independent verification uttered "Get away from me with that sh-t, son, I'm not in the mood for it."

In other news, the Presidential candidates were seen hastily tackling tourists wandering the streets of New York City so they could have cameras to shout at for YouTube uploads.

Also, llamas.

* Not a real name
** What, you wanna get sued?
*** I mean, seriously, I don't have a lawyer on retainer.


Pinku-Sensei said...

Flouncing Drama Llama .GIF for the win!

Paul said...